Pariah
by weshallflyaway2
Summary: There are so many reasons for why you are the way you are. He made you this way. Whether he intended to or not.
1. Chapter 1 - Pariah

Pariah:

1.

an outcast.

2.

any person or animal that is generally despised or avoided.

Naina

You are a pariah… you know that it is true. They avoid you at all costs, finding excuses not to sit with you, not to talk with you, not to be seen with you or known as your friend.

Instead you are talked about, in hushed tones and sometimes loudly.

You are a pariah because they know exactly what it is that you are, what it is that you have done, and what it is that has been caused by you… you are a pariah because they know you are a trouble maker, that you are in fact… trouble.

You know it too, and that is why you allow them to treat you this way, why in some ways you are grateful for it.

They punish you for being what you are, and you are glad that they do so. Because if they don't punish you, then who will; and if nobody punishes you then it doesn't mean you're not guilty. But then again, guilty or innocent, what difference does it make anyway?

You do not regret your status here, or how they treat you. You don't need them to be your friends, you have friends. The fact that they are distant from you does not mean that you have lost them.

And yet sometimes…

Sometimes you wish that it didn't have to be this way, that you really could be like the others; happy, carefree, without a past, without a history.

There are so many reasons for why you are the way you are.

He made you this way.

Whether he intended to or not.

/

It doesn't matter anymore what the truth really is, and you doubt that anybody really cares.

He loved you.

He died.

It's simple, case closed.

Everybody has heard about the trial, about the accusation, about his refusal to answer. Everybody has their own theories on it.

There are many different versions of it that you have heard, from the ones where you are painted as the victim, to those where you were responsible for everything.

You trapped him, used him for your own selfish purposes, and then allowed him to take the fall. The day that Aalekh heard that one he jumped onto the soldier who'd started it, beating him almost into a pulp.

It wasn't long after that, that they decided it would be best if you and Aalekh were not posted together from then on.

And you were okay with that, really you were. Yes, you miss him, and yes, it is lonely, so very, very lonely. But Aalekh is better off as far away from you as possible, and you know that. If he stays then you will drag him down with you, and that is the very last thing that you want.

You already have a reputation as a trouble maker. Four bases in less than three years, and you're counting down until the time you'll be transferred from this one too.

It's not like you go looking for trouble but somehow it always manages to find you, as if it has your direct number. The fact that you were the best cadet in your academy and that you managed to expose a traitor and have him arrested doesn't really count for anything, you're not going to be promoted anytime soon.

Huda was the first to become a Captain, he knows how to play the game, how to please the right people. He calls you sometimes, counselling you to mind your temper, to be more cautious. You laugh and tell him that ranks mean nothing to you and that you're happy to be a lieutenant for the rest of your life if it means you can do your job properly.

Unfortunately for you, doing your job properly seems to mean annoying all the wrong people.

Your first base, your commanding officer had heard about the trial and like everybody else he had made his own assumptions. One day after duty he called you to his office where he suggested things about you and Rajveer Sir and told you plainly that you'd be a Captain soon if you were to have the same sort of relationship with him.

You slapped him hard in the face and made a formal complaint.

The complaint got lost somewhere in the system, and the powers that be decided that the best way to handle the situation was simply to transfer you.

You were shocked by the fact that you weren't more surprised. In less than a year, you'd become far too cynical.

Your second posting was in Kashmir. While tracking down suspected terrorists you were unable to stand by and watch as one of your superior officers beat a civilian almost to death in an effort to get information. You stepped in, protested, told him that you would make a formal complaint.

He dared you to, laughed at the idea, so you did.

That complaint also got lost somewhere in the system, and once again the best answer to the problem was to transfer you.

You really, really, weren't surprised.

The third base, you were posted with Aalekh. That base lasted the longest, nearly a year in total. He kept you out of trouble, got you to control your temper. You were happier… calmer. Then he lost his temper and got into that fight, and they decided to transfer him out.

Soon after that your transfer orders came through too, and once again you weren't surprised.

After all you're a troublemaker, you've proven yourself to be one.

You are a pariah… and in a way you relish the label.

When everything becomes too much and you wonder why you bother at all, why you don't just play the game by their rules, you glance down at the watch that remains on your wrist. It is more than enough of a reminder.

Wasn't your mentor also a pariah at the end? Wasn't he also reviled by the same people who had once respected him? In his memory, you won't let them mould you into what they want you to be, you will remain what you should be.

Justice, however difficult, will always come first for you. You'll live life on your own terms.

And if they don't like that… they can go to hell.

God knows, you're already there.


	2. Chapter 2 - Purgatory

**Purgatory**

1. _Roman Catholic Church_ A state in which the souls of those who have died in grace must expiate their sins.

2. A place or condition of suffering, expiation, or remorse:

You speak to Naveen sometimes, even though you know that he's dead. You're sort of dead too after all, you feel there should be some benefits to it, and so you speak to him as often as you wish.

'Hey Naveen,' you address him, 'Back when we were in the academy together, did you ever think it would turn out this way?'

He doesn't reply of course. He's dead after all, and you… you're still not dead enough to get an answer from him. Perhaps the truth is that Naveen has already reached heaven, and you're sitting here in purgatory, waiting to atone for your sins.

Because what else is this state that you're in; dead yet alive, alive yet dead. You can't go forward and you can't go back, and sideways is out of the question too.

And there are times… when you wish you really had died three years ago, in the blaze that destroyed your jeep. At least then it would've been well and truly over, you could've moved on, seen your best friend again.

You try to forget about what you would've left behind… what you did leave behind.

Because let's face it, you're no better off in that respect than if you really were properly dead.

You have lost her forever, lost all of them, with no hope of ever seeing them again, ever letting them know that you're alive.

You keep track of them of course, where they're posted, how they're doing. Almost all of them have already been promoted to Captain.

The only one that hasn't… is Naina.

Four bases in less than three years, and transfers with no official record of why they occurred. You know that she's been in trouble, that it's possible that she's floundering, that she has blamed herself for whatever happened.

You can't even let her know that nothing was her fault, that there's nothing for her to feel guilt over, and the thought tortures you, does not allow you to sleep.

You don't know how she is, how she's coping…

And in the end, what can you do about it anyway? You who are living this half life can never offer her anything; no stability, no comfort, no happiness.

So what if you loved her, if you would've died for her? The cold truth is that she's better off without you.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" Your colleague Irfan asks you, a pitying look on his face as he watches you browse the army databases for any news, "Forget them… it will be easier for you in the long term once you've stopped dreaming of going back."

He knows what he's talking about… he's been dead even longer than you have, he stopped dreaming long ago.

But you… you still dream. It hasn't been long enough for you to completely give up yet, and in your weakest moments you dream that you could go back, once again become what you used to be.

You dream that she could be yours and you could be happy together, despite all of the things that stand between you…

That one day your sins would be paid for in total and you could receive your exit ticket from purgatory.

Your fist tightens, you clench your nails into your palm and abruptly you shut off the computer screen, turning around from it.

You are dead, you remind yourself, you are dead and you are not coming back to life.

You'll remain in this purgatory until you've served your penance.

**A/N: I solemnly swear that I will post this story as quickly as possible until it is all uploaded!**


	3. Chapter 3 - Pariah

**Pariah**Naina

The fourth base… does not go so badly until some idiot decides that he's in love with you.

You think it's actually incredibly lucky that this has never happened before now. Most men seem to consider you to be too much trouble to fall in love with… that and the fact that you apparently had an affair with your teacher seems to do the trick in driving them away.

However this guy doesn't seem to care, he's gotten it into his head that you're really miserable, tragically heartbroken, and he's the one to save you, to heal all your pain.

It's not that you specifically plan to never marry… it's just that you don't expect to ever find anybody that you really would wish to marry.

And this guy… is definitely not somebody that you would wish to marry.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he tells you, and you resist the urge to laugh in his face.

"Get off base more often," you advise him, "I'm sure you'll see a lot more."

"I don't care about your past," he tells you, as if it's wonderfully benevolent of him, oh so terribly compassionate and great. "I'll accept you no matter what you did."

"Oh really?" you ask him, eyebrows raised, "And what is it that I've apparently done?"

"Well… you know…" he stutters, "I mean…"

"I slept with my teacher." You say bluntly, because you know that that's exactly what everybody actually thinks you did.

"Well… that… but that's all in the past…" he tries to say.

"So you don't care?" you ask him, "You don't care how many times or how or where?"

His face turns red. Your mother would slap you if she heard you talking like this, but honestly, you're having a hard time caring.

"You know what…" you continue, "No matter how or where or when… one thing is for certain, I'm never going to sleep with you. So you can get lost and stop trying."

Score one for Naina Singh Ahluwalia… even if you did just falsely declare in public that you slept with your mentor.

Funnily, you wish that all the accusations were actually true.

At least then… you would have some memories of what everybody assumes you actually did. You've never so much as kissed a man, and yet you've apparently done so much more. How could they know that Rajveer Sir was too much of a gentleman to ever even admit that he loved you, let alone touch you?

And damn him for being one.

They assume whatever they want, you're perfectly happy for them to.

It's not long after that, that you're called into the office of one of your superiors, a woman called Major Gupta. From the beginning of your posting here she hasn't liked you, has assigned the worst duties to you, and you've always wondered why.

"I've heard that you don't get on well with the other soldiers here," she tells you, "That in fact you're seen as something as a troublemaker."

You remain silent, you know she's already made up her mind about you so there's no point in speaking.

"You could be a bit more… tactful in your dealings with others, Lieutenant Ahluwalia," she tells you, "How much more trouble do you want to cause?"

"When did I choose to cause any?" you ask her, frustrated enough to speak out, "Do you think that I like idiots hitting on me?"

"And what do you think?" she retorts, hatred clear in her eyes, "That just because somebody as great as Captain Rajveer Singh Shekawat fell in love with you, that nobody else has any right to?"

And it's then that you get it… she has some past connection with Rajveer Sir, that's why she hates you.

You can't really blame her. On most days you hate yourself too.

"How did you know Rajveer Sir?" you ask her softly, a slight tremour coming at the mention of his name.

"Your Rajveer Sir was my batchmate," she tells you bitterly, "And I fail to see how he could have loved such an impulsive, brash and rude young woman as you."

To be honest you've also never been able to understand why. You wish he'd had a bit more common sense because then he might still be alive.

"What's your full name, ma'am?" you ask her, frowning and trying to work out exactly who she is, this woman who must have attended KMA with Rajveer Sir, with Abhimanyu, with your brother Naveen.

"Nandini Gupta." She tells you, the hatred still apparent in her tone.

And you laugh… because suddenly everything makes sense.

"So that's why you hate me," you announce to her, "Because he loved me and not you."

She looks like she wants to slap you, but resists. "He did love me…" she tells you, "It was only because…"

"Because he didn't want to break his friend's heart," you interrupt, "I've heard the story too, you know. Not from him… he was too good to ever talk about such things. You couldn't choose between him and Abhimanyu Sir, and when you finally chose him it was too late, he preferred to refuse you than break his friend's heart."

You smile at her, a little mockingly, because despite the fact that she's your superior, you have no respect for her. Abhimanyu had told you the story once, when after Rajveer Sir's death he was trying to bring you back to yourself by telling you stories about his friend as he once was.

"How dare you speak to me like this…" she hisses, shocked, "I'm your superior officer…"

"Then act like it, ma'am," you retort, "Stop taking out your personal regrets on me and act professionally."

She stares at you, mouth open, unable to say anything.

"Can I take it that I'm dismissed?" you ask her, and leave without waiting for a reply.

You're expecting the transfer order long before it's issued, in fact by the time they come to your quarters with it, you're already packed.

"Would it make you happier if I was to leave right now?" You ask them in almost a bored tone.

Troublemaker.

Pariah.

Whatever.

Base Five here you come.

Purgatory 


	4. Chapter 4 - Purgatory

**Chapter Four**

_Purgatory_

"I heard that your girlfriend got transferred again," Irfan says to you, one eyebrow raised.

He can't resist, you're the closest thing that he's had to a friend in years. He says that the previous guy had almost no sense of humour.

You asked him what happened to the previous guy.

"Don't know really… must have done his quota of good deeds or whatever, they let him go." Irfan tells you. "Either that… or he just knew too much about them and managed to buy his way out."

And so it is possible to escape from this place, from this situation. No matter how difficult, it is possible…

"Don't hope for too much," Irfan advises you, "They need us for their dirty work, don't think that they'll let go of you that easily."

But you remember that you had once advised Naina that there is hope until the last breath… and you're not able to give up all that easily on old habits.

Maybe… one day… you could return too.

But people don't come back from the dead that easily.


	5. Chapter 5 - Pariah

**Chapter 5 - Pariah**Naina

Well what do you know, the tables have turned and somehow you have become a hero.

You're not even sure how it happened, but three days before your transfer was due to officially come into effect, you were in a local shopping centre on your day off when some terrorists entered, hoping to take civilians hostage.

Your first thought had been, I hope that nobody gets killed.

Your second thought had been, why the hell does this always happen to me?

But you knew what your duty was, and after all, you'd done this all before. It hadn't taken long for you to break one of their necks, grab his gun, and then sneak around to finish the others off.

You had resolved the issue within half an hour.

Two were kept alive, taken for questioning… all hostages escaped unharmed. Suddenly you were the army's golden girl, and your superior officers were gushing to the media about how they'd always known what brilliant potential you had.

Well… that's a nice change from what they'd always said about you in the past.

Apparently it's a good idea to promote you, so they do. You finally become a Captain just like the rest of your friends, who all immediately call you to congratulate you. They send cards too, presents.

You know they've been much more worried about your career than you have.

Among the cards from your friends, from Abhimanyu Sir, Shalini Ma'am, and Suriji… there is one that has no name on it.

It is printed, very simply, Congratulations Captain Ahluwalia. It is unsigned.

You're not sure why you don't just throw it out… something stops you. Perhaps it is the curve on the letter A of Ahluwalia… perhaps…

You, who have long given up dreaming, dream of impossible things. You tell yourself to stop being an idiot because he's dead, you know he's dead, and he's never, ever coming back no matter how much you wish he would.

But you still keep the card.


	6. Chapter 6 - Purgatory

**Chapter 6 - Purgatory**

_Rajveer_

"You shouldn't have done that, you know." Irfan tells you as you both return from your latest mission. "They'll figure it out eventually."

"I didn't do anything wrong," you reply defensively, "I didn't sign my name, I didn't reveal that it was me." You hadn't even used your nickname for her, as much as a part of you had ached to be able to write Captain Naina 'Ah' Singh.

"It doesn't matter…" Irfan informs you, "They don't like you establishing contact with the outside. You're lucky that they didn't catch you."

"And are you going to tell them?" you ask him.

"No, but it doesn't mean they won't find out anyway."

There is a surprise waiting when you return to base, a serious looking young man that you don't recognise but that Irfan does.

"So Gunny, the freed bird returns to the cage." Irfan jokes, but there is a pain evident in his words. Irfan knows that his clipped wings will never allow him to fly away.

"I had some time off, wanted to check on you," the stranger says without any expression, "And I had heard…"

"That we had a new member?" Irfan finishes for him, "Had to replace you somehow, though it was a tough job. Captain Gunraj Randhawa, meet the man formerly known as Captain Rajveer Singh Shekawat."

And Gunny, who had previously seemed to be a stone, suddenly shows a hint of expression. "You… are Captain Rajveer?" he asks.

"I was." You tell him, because now… you are nothing.

A ghost only.

"I know your best cadet." He continues without expression, and despite the fact that you know he's waiting to see your reaction, you can't help but take a step forward.

"Naina…" you say, before you manage to stop yourself. "How?"

"When they were in the detention centre… I was asked to kill her," he shrugs, "It was Lala's orders, if I hadn't found out in time…"

"Don't assume you would've succeeded," you inform him, "I know my best cadet… she would've fought until the last breath, she might have killed you instead."

"It's not so easy to kill me." He replies, seeming almost… amused.

"When did I say it would be?" you ask him, your expression hardening, "And if you had succeeded… then nothing in this world would've stopped me from tracking you down and finishing you off myself."

"Well this has been a great first meeting, death threats and all," Irfan breaks in, "At least leave something for the second one."

"I thought that you were dead." Gunny tells you, "They believe you're dead."

"I am dead," you reply to him, "If not physically… then in every other way."

"It's funny then… that your heart still seems to be working." He states, an almost smirk on his face.

You know exactly what it is that he's hinting at.

And sure enough, the traitorous thing keeps beating away.


	7. Chapter 7 - Pariah

**Chapter 7 - Pariah**Naina

When you arrived at your fifth posting in Gujarat, you had been happy to find Yudi at the same base. He had given you the biggest hug that you could remember having in recent history and you had hugged him back, happy to finally be with somebody who was your own.

He has good friends here, friends who don't ask about your past or even seem to care about it at all, and you're grateful for that. They're nice guys and you can more or less be yourself around them.

Yudi understands. Yudi knows what it is that you are, and that in many ways, you have changed from the days when you were together in the academy. You're harder, even less willing to compromise than you were then. He accepts you as you are, his friendship has no conditions just as it never has.

The months pass happily enough, and for once you stay out of trouble. You talk to your parents and your friends regularly on the phone, you smile a bit more often. You discuss the old days with Yudi and laugh about the stupid things you all did when you were younger.

Then elections are announced, and trouble breaks out.

There are curfews, rioting, abuses and deaths. The army is called out to control the situation, with reinforcements brought in from inter-state. Ali arrives with them and Yudi is so excited that he won't stop hugging him for five minutes.

You stay up all night talking, and Pooja calls to chat to you too. It's a brief respite in a tense situation.

Three days later, you're out on patrol together when you spot a gang of thugs trying to drag school girls out of a bus. You warn them to stop and they laugh at you, asking if you'd like to take the place of the girls instead.

You fire a warning shot before Ali can shoot the man in anger.

But thugs never listen.

By the end of it, you're thrashing the ringleader in the middle of the road, screaming at him about how he should respect women and calling him the worst words you've ever learned while you hope the schoolgirls have their hands over their ears so they don't hear them.

Yudi, Ali and the rest of the soldiers manage the others, the school girls are escorted home safely and you expect to never hear about it again.

Except that the man you beat half to death happens to be the relative of a powerful politician in the ruling party, and you've just broken both his legs.

Oops.

Should've broken his arms too.

Maybe even stomped on his head.

Your superior officer asks how you could've been so stupid.

You ask whether you should've allowed the girls to be raped instead.

That shuts him up.

Yudi, Ali, and the rest of the soldiers back you up. Ali gives quite a long speech about how we should regard all women as our sisters and look after their honour in the same way we would our sisters' honour. It's a speech worthy of a blockbuster film and you wish you could clap for it, but in the end you think it might do your cause more harm than good.

They decide to transfer you all, apparently for your own safety.

Yudi is upset, he's going to miss his friends.

You figure it could've been worse, they could've demoted you back to Lieutenant.

And when you've had five already… what difference does a sixth base really make?


	8. Chapter 8 - Purgatory

**Chapter 8**

_Rajveer_

It is shortly after Naina has been transferred from her fifth base that you are given an offer that you almost can't refuse.

The man arranges to meet you secretly, and you have no idea why. You do not usually deal with him, your assignments are arranged through proper channels, you are usually contacted by the same person each time.

You recognise the man who meets you, he's the minder of somebody important, you know who it is that he's working for, even if he won't come out and say it.

"There is a man," he tells you, "He's causing us a lot of trouble."

"I receive my assignments through the proper channels." You reply, your eyes narrowing, "If there's something you want done then go through those channels."

"But this is not official… It is something that you would do for us… as a favour."

And despite yourself, despite your scruples, your conscience, you want to ask. You want to ask what that favour is… and what you will get in return.

He sees your hesitation, your weakness, and your desire to know. Three years ago, you would've told him to get lost immediately, you would've hit him for even suggesting that you could be bought.

But let's face it, you've killed your own conscience so many times already that you're not sure there's any of it left.

"Who is it?" you finally ask him, "And why?"

There is a man… who has been causing problems for this man's boss. You know that the man being targeted is not a bad man, you know that he doesn't deserve to die. You know that this is all just political maneuverings and that the reason they want this man to be killed is because he's going to reveal something they don't want him to, something that the public has a right to know.

"No," you tell him in a tone of disgust, "Never."

"Don't you want to know what we could give you in return?"

"I don't," you tell him, and have already started to walk away when he calls out to you.

"We could give you your freedom!" he calls out, and you stop dead in your tracks. "Just this one task and my boss would ensure that you were returned to your old life… with full honour."

And you… who have always valued honour above all things, who would never kill anyone who was innocent, you actually consider it. With full honour. Without any honour at all.

You think about the possibilities… you could return, have your old life back, everything you've ever wanted.

And Naina, oh god, Naina… you could finally have a life with her, a proper life. You could offer her everything she deserves.

And then you could hate yourself everyday for the rest of your life until it finally drove you crazy.

And Naina? Would she still love you when she discovered that you had lost the last vestiges of your humanity? Everything that she ever might have loved about you?

"I don't want my freedom at such a price." You tell him.

And then you walk away.

One step in front of the other.

Until there is no possibility of going back.

You have to force yourself to, because you know that there is a tiny part of you that very badly wants to take him up on his offer no matter the cost to your humanity.

And you almost wish that your conscience had died along with you.

/

When you return to your quarters, Irfan is waiting there. There is a look of expectation on his face, as if he already knows about the question that was asked.

"If they had offered it to you, would you have accepted it?" you ask him, after you have explained what happened.

"They already did…" Irfan admits, "And I already refused."

You stare at him… he hadn't said a thing, had never told you.

"I wanted you to make up your own mind without being affected by my decision." Irfan tells you, "If you'd decided to do it… then I wouldn't have blamed you."

"But why didn't you accept?"

Irfan has always said that his conscience had been killed a long time ago by the things he's been forced to do. He's always hungered for freedom, been desperate to escape this life.

"I thought about it, I honestly did, that kind of offer…" he trails off, a wistful look in his eyes, "But in the end… what is there for me to actually go back to? My parents have believed that I'm dead for years now… my fiancé eventually got over my death and married another man… what is there left?"

You wonder then, whether in a few years time it will be the same story for you. How long do you really have, before there is nothing left for you to return to?

It is inevitable, eventually it has to happen.

And when it does… on that day you will have no further reason to stay alive.


	9. Chapter 9 - Pariah

**Chapter 9**

_Naina_

You're surprised by how well everything goes on the sixth base. Huda is there and you suppose that it's partially because of him that nobody gives you any trouble. He's always known how to make himself popular, win people over, and the other soldiers listen to him.

You and he get on well enough, you fight of course, but you've always fought so that's nothing new. He flirts with you, but that's nothing new either, and he flirts with every single attractive female on base and even some who belong to neither of those categories.

You're there for three months without any trouble. You talk on the phone to your parents and all your friends regularly, you perform your duties well. Your superiors are impressed by you, they can't understand why your previous commanding officers had seen you as such a troublemaker.

You're sure that in time they'll come to understand. You just haven't had any opportunity to show your true colours yet.

It is in the fourth month when your parents call you on Sunday as normal, and you're halfway through quite a pleasant conversation when they announce that they want you to meet someone.

"Please Ma, haven't we talked about this before?" You ask her, feeling frustrated, "I thought that we agreed…"

"We didn't agree anything," she replies stubbornly, "You've got to get married eventually, the boy is eligible and he's happy to marry a soldier, nobody is forcing you Naina, at least meet him."

"But Ma…"

"Are you never going to marry?" she asks, "You have to eventually, and how do you know that he's not the right one? Can't you do this much for us?"

And after some more emotional blackmailing you agree that yes, you will meet this man, even though you're thinking that there must be something wrong with him if he's willing to come all the way to Nowhere, Rajasthan to meet you.

If he honestly can't find a better girl than you there has to be _something_ wrong with him.

You tell Huda about it the day before you're due to meet the guy and he finds it amusing. "Have fun," he tells you. "Try not to break the poor guy's heart too badly."

You're slightly annoyed that he assumes you'll refuse, even though that's exactly what you had intended to do.

So the next Sunday you find yourself waiting in what passes for the best hotel in town, wearing jeans and your second best top. You didn't want to dress up for this man, but it's important that you don't shame your parents either… which is why he gets the second best one.

He's polite when he meets you, charming, shakes your hand with a warm gaze but doesn't let his eyes linger too long. If you were a normal girl under normal circumstances then you might have liked him… but what you are is far from that. He's a gentleman and you wonder why on earth his parents haven't been able to find him a better match than you.

So that's the first thing you ask.

"I don't see anything wrong with marrying a soldier," he tells you, "I'll be proud to tell people that my wife defends our country."

Good answer. Damn.

You tell him that you don't really want to get married, you tell him that you have a past.

"Everyone has a past," he replies, "Even I do. Honestly I'm not interested in yours, however I'm willing to tell you mine if you want to know it."

You don't. You couldn't care less.

You of course phrase it a bit more politely than that.

He makes polite small talk, finding out about your interests and why you joined the army. You're relieved when dessert arrives because it means that the evening is almost over.

"I'll be in America for half a year to help expand our family's business," he tells you, "I know you need time to think; consider the proposal until then and I'll come see you again once I'm back."

A part of you wants to tell him that your answer will be no, but instead you find yourself nodding. "I'll consider it." You promise him, and you partially mean it.

Your mother's words come back to you, that you have to marry eventually. If that's true… then this guy isn't the worst that you could end up with. For a moment you imagine yourself married to him, living a normal life, kids and all. The image is scarily appealing.

He drops you back to the base, wishes you goodnight and you head back to your room expecting not to see him again for at least another six months.

However next morning bright and early, he's there waiting for you and you're called to reception.

"What is it?" you ask him, and he smiles.

"Actually I had noticed something yesterday and wanted to give you a present before I leave…" he tells you.

He hands you a small box and you open it, looking down at the contents, slightly confused.

It's a watch, a fancy one. You guess that it must have cost quite a bit of money.

You look up at him questioningly.

"I noticed that the one you have is quite old…" he tells you, "So I thought perhaps I could give you one as a gift."

You stare at him in shock but he doesn't seem to notice, instead warmly wishing you goodbye and telling you that he's heading back to Delhi now.

You go back to your room in a daze, holding the box, and as soon as you're there, you shut it in your bottom drawer, right at the back under a pile of things. You never want to see it again in your entire life.

He doesn't know the meaning of your watch… he has no idea that you never take it off your wrist except for when you shower and sleep. That it's the first thing you put on in the morning even before your uniform and the last thing that you take off at night.

That watch is the only thing you have left to cling to… the only material thing that he ever gave to you. Even if one day it were to break, stop ticking, you would keep wearing it.

You could never consider replacing it with any other, and yet you had honestly believed that you could get married to somebody and make it work.

You suddenly laugh at yourself, when you can't even think of replacing his watch, how did you think you were really ready to move on in life?

Will you ever actually be ready?

You're the biggest fool in the world, and yet you're the only one who's laughing.

Huda runs into you at lunchtime, smirking as usual. You've had such a bad morning that you're tempted to just tell him to go away.

"So did he come back this morning to ask you to reconsider?" he asks, obviously having assumed that you've already refused the guy.

"No… I told him I'd consider his proposal… he came to give me a gift." You answer tiredly.

"But I had thought…" and suddenly Huda's expression changes to annoyance, "Why is it that you're willing to consider him, when you were never willing to consider me?"

After the day you've had and the realisation you've just made, something inside you snaps and you just can't be bothered being nice. You know he doesn't really want you anymore, he got over you a long time ago. He's just not willing to accept the fact that you could choose anybody else over him.

"So what do you think, Huda? That I only have two choices in life, either to be miserable alone or be miserable with you? I'm not allowed any third option?"

He's gapes at you, he can't believe what you've just said.

"Grow up, Huda, it's my life and I can ruin it any way that I choose." You tell him before walking away.

He doesn't talk to you for three days, Pooja calls to tell you that she thinks Huda is upset and you should sort things out with him.

"He can sort things out with me if he's interested," you inform her, "I really don't care and I don't know when you became his messenger."

"You know what your problem is, Naina?" she asks you, "You're so used to unhappiness that you don't actually want to be happy anymore so you try to drive us all away."

Then she hangs up. You don't call back because in a way you know she's right.

So you go and request a transfer.

"But I thought that things were going so well?" Your superior officer says to you, looking confused.

"It was going to happen eventually anyway," you tell her, "I'm just saving you the trouble."

You're not sure why you bother… because no matter how far you run, you'll never be able to escape yourself


	10. Chapter 10 - Purgatory

**Chapter 10**

_Rajveer_

"Your girlfriend's being transferred again," Irfan informs you as soon as you return from your latest mission, "Except I think they've run out of places to send her because they can't seem to work out where to give her a posting so they've given her a holiday instead."

"And since when have you been so interested in 'my' girlfriend that you've started keeping tabs on her?" You ask him tiredly. You've long given up asking him not to call her that and if you're honest… then you'll admit that you even like it. It makes you feel that you still have some place in her life, some claim upon her.

You keep fooling yourself that you're happy to let her go, make her own life, but the truth is something else entirely. If you were happy to let her go then you would never have sent her the card in the first place.

"Considering that I've got no life of my own, yours is much more interesting to keep tabs on." He informs you, "And I have even more information if you're interested."

"It's not my life anymore," you remind him, trying not to sound bitter, "And what else do you have to tell me?"

"Her parents are trying to fix up her marriage… the guy came to see her, took her out to dinner, came back the next day to give her a gift. He's a good match, is educated, has a business in America, earns well." He studies you, waiting for your reaction.

"Good," you say, your throat suddenly dry, "She'll be happy… he'll look after her and…"

And you're the biggest god damn liar in the entire world and if you think you're fooling Irfan into believing that you mean it, you're the biggest fool too.

"You can't forget her, can you?" he asks sympathetically, "It will get better in time once you get used to the idea. I know, I went through it."

"So did she accept?" you ask, barely breathing as you wait for the answer. You're not sure what to pray for, that she did or that she didn't. You want her to move on with her life, be happy, and yet somehow you dread it too.

"Not yet…" he tells you, "So you've got time to get used to the idea."

He leaves you there alone with your thoughts and you struggle with the notion of accepting her as somebody else's.

You will do so… you will be happy for her… you will pray that she forgets all about you and moves on with her life.

And every single moment it will stab you in the heart.


	11. Chapter 11 - Pariah

**Chapter 11**

_Naina_

Only three days at home and you're already going stir crazy. You haven't lived with your parents since the time you were expelled from KMA and you had forgotten what it was like. God knows that you love them, but their expectations weigh you down and now you sit at the kitchen table with your mother knowing exactly what question she wants to ask, and hoping that she won't even though you know she will.

"So what was he like?" she finally asks, somewhat cautiously.

"He was alright." You tell her, "He was nice."

"So…"

"So I have six months to make a decision, don't ask me to make one now."

Her face changes, drops slightly, and you feel guilty. "I already know what your decision will be, Naina…" she tells you, "But before you make it at least think about how we feel, don't you think we want you to be happy?"

"Don't you think that I want to be happy?" You snap back at her, because her words bite at you, reminding you of Pooja's.

"Sometimes Naina… I really do wonder." She tells you, clearly fed up with your short temper, "Your brother was never transferred around this much… I worry about why you don't stay in one place for longer."

And there it is, the comparison that you've been waiting for. Your brother would've married for their happiness, your brother would've had a more successful career.

You feel like reminding her that Naveen is dead, and you're at least still alive, no matter how terrible a job you're doing of living your life; but you don't because some things are better left unsaid and you don't really want a slap in the face.

Despite your brother being considered a traitor for quite some years before you cleared his name, he never seemed to be as big of a disappointment to them as you are.

That night you call up Aalekh, trying not to breathe too hard down the phone line while you wait for an orderly to find him.

"Aalekh, do I really not want to be happy?" you ask him as soon as he picks up, before he's even said hello. You know that if anyone knows the truth and will tell it to you it will be him, and right now you need to hear some hard truths.

"You do the best that you can, Naina." He tells you, and you think that's probably the most tactful way he could put it.

"So basically that's a yes."

"I think you've forgotten how to be happy," he says slowly, "I think that life hasn't allowed you to be."

"But it's still a yes, isn't it?"

There's silence, and then… "Yes."

And maybe you have forgotten how, or maybe life has betrayed you one too many times. Every time you've found some happiness it's been stolen from you and really… really you're just tired, tired of even trying when you know it won't last.

"Thanks Aalekh, I'll call you later." You tell him and you hang up.

Then you call Pooja and apologise to her, telling her that she was right and you'll try to be less touchy in future. She takes your apology in her stride, after all she's been dealing with your moods from the day you first met.

You don't call Huda to apologise, it's his fault for being such an ass in the first place. Knowing him the next time you talk he'll probably ignore the entire incident anyway and pretend that nothing happened at all.

The next day you receive the phone call you've been waiting for, telling you that your new posting has been decided upon. Before your mother can arrive home from the market you've already packed your bags and transferred them to the hall, you'll be leaving by the evening train.

You try to pretend that the look she gives you when she sees them doesn't hurt you, and that you don't realise she and your father are disappointed in you.

There's no time to try to make it up to them, no time to reassure them that you'll try harder in future to be the daughter they wish you would be. In the end, you know you'd never be able to live up to the promise anyway.

You hope that maybe your seventh posting will be less eventful than the other ones…

Somehow you doubt it.


	12. Chapter 12 - Purgatory

**Chapter 12**

_Rajveer_

You look at the information that you've just received from the computer and you swear loudly, words that you normally wouldn't say, words that you normally wouldn't believe anybody should say.

Irfan winces hearing you, "That bad, is it?" he asks, knowing perfectly well what it is that you've been looking up.

"Don't pretend that you don't know," you answer, turning to look at him. "You somehow seem to know all of these things before I do, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was afraid that I'd get exactly the same reaction I saw right now…" he tells you with a shrug, "I thought it was best to let you find out on your own."

"You know what this means, right?" you ask him, "You know exactly what it means just the same as I do."

"Sorry, yaar," Irfan replies, looking as if he genuinely is, "Looks like your girlfriend pissed off too many of the wrong people."

Looking at the information about her posting on the screen, you can't help but agree with him. The only thing you're unsure of is whether it's her that's pissed them off, your decision to contact her, or a combination of the two.

One thing is for certain, they're trying to get rid of her. They've assigned her to protect the same man that you refused to kill.

And you know that even though you and Irfan refused the request…

Eventually somebody else will agree.


	13. Chapter 13 - Pariah

**Chapter 13**

_Naina_

Standing in the library of the man you've been chosen to protect until he can testify at a trial, you pick up a book lying on the table and leaf through it idly while he watches as if measuring you. You wonder whether just like so many others, he'll also perceive you as lacking.

"Why did you accept this assignment?" Mr Patel asks you, "It would've been better if you refused."

"I'm a soldier, Sir. I follow orders, I go wherever I'm sent." you reply, placing the book back down on the table.

"Well you must either be very good or very unpopular to have been given this assignment." he comments, still looking at you appraisingly.

"Isn't it possible that I'm both?" you ask him, before looking at him appraisingly yourself. He's in his forties, a balding professor type that looks like he couldn't hurt a fly. "And what exactly did you do to make somebody want to kill you?"

"I carried out my duty honestly," he informs you, "I wrote a report on the environmental destruction being caused by a particular manufacturing plant and asked for it to be shut down… unfortunately the owner is a powerful man, he has connections high up in the government."

Well what do you know, carrying out your duty honestly seems to be an unpopular career decision even in the corporate sector.

"How do you know that you can trust me then?" you ask the man, one eyebrow raised.

"Instinct," he replies, "After such a long time doing this work I've learned how to judge people and the moment that I saw you… I knew you were an outsider. You won't do their dirty work."

Outsider… that's you alright, he's summed you up in the one word that really fits you.

"If you value your life… then ask to be reassigned," he advises you, "Because eventually they will attack me, and they won't care if you get in the way."

You think about it… you really honestly think about it. Do you value your life? You don't want to die, you're certain of that much. But do you value your life in the way that you should? It has been a long time since you've honestly given a damn about what happens to you, a long time since you've tried to be happy. You haven't given up on life exactly, you've just stopped making an effort.

"I know what my duty is," you finally tell him, pushing the book away decisively and stepping away from the table. "I learned about upholding my duties from the best mentor I could've had, and anyone that thinks it will be easy to get past me is in for a nasty surprise."

Because whether your life has to be valued or not… the life of the man under your protection does. You'll carry out your duty until the last breath without any regrets, no matter what happens. When you had taken your oath on the eternal flame you had sworn that you would respect Rajveer Sir's memory by upholding the values he fought for, by being the best soldier that you can be. It's the least you can do after everything he did for you.

It's the only thing you can do.

/

It is two days later when you receive a call. You don't recognise the voice, you know you've never heard it before, and they hang up before you can ask who it is.

When you hang up the phone you glance over at the man under your protection before looking down at the gun in your hands, checking the bullets in it and putting the safety back on again. The caller had warned you that there would be an attack at any moment now, that somebody would be coming for you. You've been warned and now it's your job to ensure they don't succeed.

Mr Patel looks at you inquiringly, and you regard him for a moment trying to work out what to do with him.

"I want you in the safest room of the house," you tell him, "If possible there should be no windows, a strong lock on the door and something that can be pushed against it to stop people getting in. Do you have anywhere like that?"

"There's a store room…" he tells you, "There's no windows, I can bar it and there's some old furniture that can be pushed against the door."

"Then get yourself some food and water in case you have to be in there for awhile and then get inside and secure yourself as well as you can. Take a book or something to pass the time. No matter what… no matter what you hear, you do not come out of that room unless you hear me telling you that it's okay to come out."

He stares at you for a moment as if he can't believe it's actually happening, he stares at you as if realising for the first time that you really are preparing to die for him. He looks at you as if he wishes he could tell you to leave, to leave him to his fate and escape. But he's just a man and like all men he doesn't wish to di,e so instead he nods and goes to follow your instructions.

After he has entered the room and closed the door you hear the scraping sound of a cupboard being moved into place.

You go to find some more ammunition.

/

It only takes half an hour for them to arrive after the warning phone call and by that stage you are as prepared as you'll ever be.

You've called for back up… which has not arrived.

You're not surprised, in a way you've been wondering whether this assignment is a convenient way for the powers that be to kill two birds with one stone. It will look like they'd done their best to protect Mr Patel and by the end of the day not one but two troublemakers will be out of the way.

As you had prepared for the attack you had found yourself wondering whether it would be for the best after all. At the moment you're flailing through life like a drowning person attempting to teach themselves to swim at the last moment. Wouldn't it be easier to stop fighting, to just let them win?

But if you did that, then you wouldn't be Naina Singh Ahluwalia, you wouldn't be your mentor's protégé and everything you've fought for over the past four years would be for nothing.

You'll never let them win.

They have not sent many men, perhaps they believe you'll both be caught unawares, easily gotten out of the way. The moment you shoot the first of them in the head as they attempt to break into the house, that illusion is shattered.

One down and four to go.

You pick off the next one from the second floor as they enter the door before retreating to the last corridor, managing to hit another one in the left arm as you retreat. You find the best cover that you can, your heart racing, and wonder if any back up is coming at all. Will it arrive only when it's too late, when the goal has already been accomplished?

For you the fire fight seems to go on forever, even though you know it must have only been a few minutes since they arrived. You wonder what Mr Patel must be feeling as he waits behind the door. Has his mind gone blank with fear or is he remembering his loved ones or praying to whichever god he believes in?

A bullet whizzes past your ear, barely missing you.

You stop to reload your gun.

/

Three are dead and two to go but you're fast running out of bullets and you don't know if they'll last until the end. The wall behind you is now full of holes and you wonder whether Mr Patel will be left alive to worry about fixing it.

You curse the people who sent you here for not equipping you properly. You curse the people who want to kill Mr Patel for probably bribing your superiors not to equip you properly.

And then you curse the bastards around the corner who won't stop firing long enough for you to reload in peace.

As you finally jam the cartridge into place you're momentarily distracted long enough for them to get a good shot in, hitting you square in your left shoulder. The shock slams you into the wall you've been using for support and it stuns you momentarily even as a second bullet hits you in the leg. You think you can hear the downstairs door slamming off its hinges, footsteps running, a shout, and you wonder whether it's your backup or theirs.

Slumped to the ground, you raise your gun even as blood drips down from the wound in your shoulder, but they've already rounded the corner, standing directly in front of the corridor you've been guarding.

"If you put the gun down then you don't have to die, we only care about him." One of the men tells you, as he trains his own gun on you.

You laugh, even as the blood runs out of both your wounds and as your vision begins to blur due to the loss of it. You laugh because really he has no idea who you are and what you believe in.

After all, you were taught to fight to the very last breath.

You raise your gun and prepare to pull the trigger, knowing you will be too slow, and you almost think you can hear somebody shout again, this time sounding like your name and the fact that it's _his_ voice convinces you that you're about to die.

You smile for what you assume will be one last time and as the man in front of you prepares to pull the trigger you decide that you have no regrets, that you've lived your life in the best way you could. All you can hope for is that wherever you're going, you'll join him there.

When you hear the two quick gunshots you prepare for the impact, bracing yourself against the pain, but the two men in front of you have already fallen to the ground, their eyes glazed with death.

And you are still alive… when you had given up all hope of being so.

It is then that you frown because that shout… the call of your name… despite knowing that what you are hoping is impossible, you claw at the wall, trying to stand but having a hard time because of the way your head is spinning, and the slipperiness of the surface with your blood.

Just one step and you will see the face of your saviour, you tell yourself. Just one step…

Just one step…

You place your injured leg down on the floor and the pain caused by it is so intense that you feel like your entire limb is on fire.

Then the world goes black.


	14. Chapter 14 - Pariah

**Chapter 14**

_Naina_

You wake in the hospital to the beep of machines and the stillness of a closed room. At least they sent me somewhere private, you think groggily as you open your eyes, you'd half expected to wake up in the public ward surrounded by the twin buzz of overhead fans and flies and the crying relatives of other people and none of your own.

Instead you open your eyes to see Mr Patel sitting by your bedside, a relieved expression on his face since he had obviously spotted you stirring.

"How did I get here?" you ask him groggily, lifting a hand to touch your head before a sharp pain reminds you that it's connected to an IV needle.

"I'm not sure exactly…" he tells you, "By the time I came out of the room you were already gone. I heard silence… but you had told me to stay in there until you said it was safe to come out."

"Well obviously I never told you to open the door," you comment dryly, "So how did you get out?"

"Some other army officers arrived, they said they were the backup that you'd called for."

Well… better late than never.

Scrap that… they were so late it might as well have been never.

"You were already gone by then, the place was a mess, bodies and blood stains everywhere and I feared the worst. They asked if I knew where you were, but I didn't have a clue. I thought that maybe the attackers had taken you with them."

You frown, as you struggle to remember something. A voice… a shout that sounded like your name… and you had tried to stand, to see the face of the person who had saved you.

"Then what happened to me?" you ask Mr Patel, "How did I get here?"

"The hospital called your superiors and told them that you'd been dropped off by two men who refused to give their names. The hospital staff said that they threatened to come back and shoot everybody if you weren't treated and wouldn't leave until you were admitted to the operating theatre."

Despite yourself and the pain you currently feel, you first smile and then begin to laugh. You laugh until your entire chest aches with it, until you're worried that you might be bruising your ribs by doing so, while Mr Patel looks at you as if you've just gone crazy.

You have no proof of course, nothing solid, just a nagging suspicion, a feeling, and the sound of your name…

"What happened?" Mr Patel asks you, confused.

"I'm alive," you declare to him.

When you had given up all hope of being so.

/

The security camera footage is missing of course, you hadn't really expected it to be there but a part of you had hoped. The staff aren't helpful either, you wonder if they've been bribed to tell you nothing. You wonder if you could possibly bribe them more and give up on the possibility, your savings are meagre.

For three days as you recover, you ask everybody you can, and nobody seems to know a thing.

The doctors get tired of telling you to go back to bed and rest instead of hobbling around on your crutches and you get tired of telling them to piss off because you're a soldier and you know perfectly well how much exercise you can do without injuring yourself.

You also find out, through one of the only ward boys that accepts your bribe, that your superiors had wanted to move you from this hospital to a military one but Mr Patel hadn't allowed them to, saying that he would pay all the bills.

Figures.

On the fourth day, one of your superiors comes to visit, the Colonel who had given you this assignment in the first place. He tells you how proud everybody is of you and that a commendation is going to be put on your official record, you've been recommended to receive a medal as well.

"I don't need a medal, Sir," you tell him, "I was just doing my job."

"It was still an amazing feat to have saved Mr Patel's life under the circumstances." he replies, "Such bravery deserves to be recognised."

"Such an 'amazing feat' would've been a lot easier if the back up I had requested had come on time… Sir." You tell him, not giving a damn if the harshness in your voice loses you your medal recommendation.

The Colonel looks uncomfortable, "It was unfortunate that they were delayed… we're investigating what occurred."

"Actually, Sir, I wanted to ask you if you know how I ended up in the hospital." You begin, trying to sound casual. "I've heard that two men dropped me off…"

The Colonel's expression changes, there is a brief moment of almost fear before he brings it under control. "We believe that two passers by had heard the gun shots and found you there… they brought you to the hospital."

Yeah right.

The Colonel makes his excuses and leaves as quickly as possible and sitting there in your bed you ponder anonymous phone calls and simple passers by that take you to hospital and threaten to shoot everybody if you're not treated.

If there were only a way to prove it, a way to know once and for all.

But deep down inside you there is no doubt at all. Even if you live to be a hundred years old you will never forget the sound of that voice, not for a single moment.

You don't know where he is, or what he's been doing all this time or why he never came back. In the end all that matters is that he's alive, that at this moment wherever he is, he is breathing, his heart is beating.

It is enough for you, it has to be enough for you, you can't hope to be able to meet him, to see him again, to just once touch him, to wrap your arms around him and feel his warmth.

You can't hope for that…

And yet…

And yet you can't stop yourself from hoping for it either.


	15. Chapter 15 - Purgatory

A/N: I know it's been awhile since I've last posted. I do have a very good excuse, I've had a rather major life event happen which means that it's incredibly tough to find time to get onto the computer. Do bear with me, I'm trying to find time to update when I can.

**Chapter 15**

_Rajveer_

Standing in front of the General in the attention posture, you feel suspiciously like a naughty school boy who has been called in front of the principal.

The General paces, he rants, he talks about how you've breached their trust, endangered the whole operation for your own selfish objectives. Somehow you can't find it in yourself to be sorry. It was worth it, whatever happens to you it was worth it.

You can remember how you had felt… from the moment you had received the confirmation and Irfan had made the call to her to when you had burst through that door screaming her name, praying that you wouldn't be too late, that it wouldn't all be over by the time you arrived.

You had shot them dead without a second thought, holding your breath as you rounded the corner, praying, praying…

And there she was, slumped half against the wall, half against the floor, unconscious but thankfully not dead, not dead…

You wondered if she had heard you, if in the end she had been trying to stand, to see your face. Gathering her in your arms you had carried her downstairs, not even caring to check on the man she had been protecting, knowing that he was safe behind the locked door at the end of the hall.

As Irfan had driven towards the nearest hospital you had tried to stop the blood flowing from her wounds, whispered to her, telling her that she had to stay alive, touching her face. You had allowed yourself to kiss her just once on her forehead before you had carried her into the hospital, refusing to leave until you knew she had been taken to the operation theatre.

You hadn't stopped to worry about your identity being revealed, about her finding out. Perhaps a part of you wanted her to know, to realise that you were still alive that there was hope…

"You've betrayed my trust," the General continues, "I had expected better from both of you."

"So what are you going to do to us?" Irfan asks him, sounding a bit bored. "Court martial us? Kick us out of the army? Lock us up for awhile? Kill us? Let's face it, Sir. There's nothing you can actually do to punish us."

He leaves the next bit unsaid, that your current existence is worse than any punishment they can think of.

"Don't forget what we did for you, Captain Shekawat." The General says, turning to you. "You would've been dead without us, or rotting away in prison. We saved you from Lala Gehlot, gave you a purpose in life again."

"Oh yes, I'm certainly grateful for that," you retort, "But I don't give a damn about my life if I have to sit back and watch those I care about get killed. If the playing field is level then I won't intervene… but she was being set up to fail." Your eyes narrow, because you have your own suspicions about exactly who it was that was doing the setting up.

"So then I take it by your answer that you can't be counted on to uphold your end of the bargain in future, Captain Rajveer." The General answers, his brows knotted, anger apparent on his face.

You glance over at Irfan, who still looks bored, unimpressed by the entire thing. You wonder how long it will take you to become like that, no longer caring about what your superiors think of you, of what they might do to you. Irfan has nothing left to lose… but you, you are very aware of exactly what it is that you could still lose.

"I'll uphold my end of the bargain… Sir." you tell him, the salutation coming to your lips even more slowly than usual. "I'll live and die for the army and my country, you know that. But sometimes we all need a reason to keep going… don't take mine away from me."

He looks at you for a long moment before dismissing you, outside the office you glance over at Irfan who surprisingly has a look of pride on his face.

"You're learning, my friend," he tells you with a smile, "One day soon you'll tell them all where they can stick their damn bargains."

You imagine her for a moment, unconscious in your arms, her blood seeping out onto your shirt. If she had died, would you still be standing here in this corridor or would have finally rebelled?

What is the point of playing the game at all when there's nothing for you to win in the end? No hope… no dreams… no way forward and no way back.

You think you know perfectly well where they can stick their damn bargains.

You think it might be time to change the rules of the game.


	16. Chapter 16 - Pariah

**Chapter 16**

_Naina_

It doesn't take long for you to be discharged from hospital, it's probably your stubbornness that allows it to happen so quickly. The nurses and doctors get sick of trying to convince you that you should be staying in bed and are more than happy to get rid of you.

Your superiors ask you if you'd like a holiday but you tell them you'd prefer to go straight on to your next posting instead. You dread the thought of going back home to your parents, to their questions, to their disapproval, even more than that to their concern and the guilt it will bring. You dread the thought of having to give them your final answer to the proposal and the look that you'll see in their eyes.

This time you've been assigned to Assam, it's your eighth posting and you know that there's already been talk about you from the way that many of the officers stare when you arrive on base. It's nothing new, it's been happening since your first posting and you ignore it, turning resolutely away from the curious eyes and preparing yourself to spend the next few months alone.

That's when you spot him… a familiar face in the middle of a crowd. He regards you coolly, without much expression, but he's been like that since the day that you first met. Realising that you've noticed him, he nods slightly in your direction and you nod back, a small smile beginning to tug at the corner of your mouth.

Because if there's anyone that would know about how someone can come back from the dead, then it would be Captain Gunraj Randhawa.

/

For the first week there is no opportunity to talk to him, he's off base on a mission and you're busy settling in, avoiding awkward questions from your colleagues and gaining a reputation as somebody both aloof and unfriendly. It doesn't bother you, it never has.

Then one day he's in front of you in the canteen, lunch tray in his hand and asking if he can sit down with you. You nod, thankful that you're unpopular enough that nobody else has bothered to sit at your table and he joins you, regarding you seriously from across the table.

"I heard you were injured recently," he begins, "Good job on saving your charge."

"I almost failed," you reply, attempting to sound casual, "I would've been killed and they would've gotten to him if…"

"If?" he asks, one eyebrow raised slightly, his expression still carefully guarded. He pushes his food around the plate with his spoon and you can't shake the feeling that he's waiting, almost as if he knows exactly what it is that you wish to ask… almost as if he wants you to.

"If two 'anonymous passers by' hadn't intervened and saved my life." you finally reply, your gaze firmly fixed on his face. "How lucky for me that somebody happened to be passing by at exactly that moment."

"Extremely lucky," he comments, one eyebrow quirked up slightly. "It's very rare to have such luck in life… extremely rare."

You try hard to control yourself and your emotions, but sitting in front of him, knowing that the answer is so incredibly near, you are very close to breaking point.

"You tell me, Sir… is such a thing possible?" you ask him, "You tell me… who could possibly have had the guts to come to my rescue that day?"

"Do you expect me to be able to tell you such a thing, Naina?" he asks, and there is a look in his eyes that almost seems to be cautioning you, telling you to be careful about what you say.

"Then tell me something else," you ask, trying very hard not to plead, "When you stopped working for the people that you used to work for, they would've needed somebody to replace you, right?" It is a thought that has been going through your head ever since the incident, a thought that needs an answer.

"They would have." Gunny admits, a look in his eyes that is suspiciously like pride. He knows you've found a way to ask where he won't actually have to reveal anything.

"Then how would they find somebody?" you question, trying to control your desperation, "Who would be able to fill such a role?"

"Only the very best…" Gunny replies, "And nobody would ever agree to do such work unless they had no other choice."

You blink back tears that suddenly come to your eyes, because after four long years you have your answer.

"And just like you were eventually let go, is it possible that one day your replacement might be let go too… that they can go back to their old life?"

Gunny is silent, and the sympathy on his face gives you the answer you require.

No matter how much you might wish it, you can't hope that he'll ever come back, that you'll ever get to see him again… you must let go of your dreams and be thankful to simply know that he's alive and watching over you.

And then the card arrives.


	17. Chapter 17 - Pariah

**Chapter 17**

_Naina_

When you first see it, you almost go to throw it into the trash. A bouquet of flowers with a small card attached, you assume that it must be from the man your parents want you to marry or some new idiot that has been stupid enough to fall in love with you.

The orderly looks at you curiously as he hands them over, you know very well that you don't seem like the type who would receive flowers.

Opening the little card to read it, you notice the handwriting before even bothering to check what is written. The same handwriting that was on the anonymous congratulations card sent to you, the same handwriting that you used to see on the blackboard every day, instructing you to be the best you could be.

Your heart thumps in your chest as you read it, your hands shake slightly.

The message is simple, it reads, 'It was good to see you recently, we should meet up again now that you're recovered.' He has signed it with your suitor's name, an attempt to avoid detection, but you know that it's him, how could you not? A strange feeling spreads through you at the thought that he knows about that man. How had he felt and what had he assumed? Even now, does he wonder what your answer to the proposal will be?

If you manage to see each other now then what will it be like? Years have passed… you've changed in that time. You've become sarcastic, cynical, bitter. If possible, you've become even more stubborn than you used to be. Surely he must have changed in this time too… you think of Gunny, never revealing his emotions, always quiet, hiding what he feels… has Rajveer Sir become like that now after what he's had to see and do? That spark in him that always inspired you, does it still exist or was it extinguished a long time ago?

You wait patiently and not so patiently for the next contact, hot and cold by turns.

You want him to contact you again, you hunger for it and yet you fear finally seeing him. Will it be as you dreamed or will it only compound your loss even more, to see him and then lose him again?

You wait… you hope… you fear. You wait and wait and wait.

Then one day the call arrives. You recognise the voice as soon as the person speaks, it is the same man who had warned you about the attack on Mr Patel. He claims to be your cousin, using the correct name; whoever he is, he's done his research. You don't challenge him on it, you play along, waiting to see what he wants.

It is then that he tells you he's back from the UK for a week and would like you to visit him in Delhi if it's possible, he wants to congratulate you on proving Naveen innocent and find out about your army career. Your heart pounding in your chest, you tell him that you'll request some time off and he should call back in a day, you'll let him know then.

Hanging up the phone, your hands shake, your legs tremble and you're not sure whether to laugh or cry.

Your leave is approved quickly, you've had an excellent service record on this base so far and you haven't taken any time off willingly in more than a year.

So when he calls back the next day you tell him that you're coming, you tell him that you're excited to see him again and ask where you should meet him.

"Somebody will come to pick you up at the airport." he tells you, "I know how to look after my cousin properly."

You believe him, you begin to prepare yourself for what lies ahead.


	18. Chapter 18 - Purgatory

**Chapter 18**

_Rajveer_

After four long years of waiting, the moment has finally arrived and you, the brave Captain Rajveer Singh Shekawat, are not prepared for it. You do not know how you will greet her when she arrives, or what you will say to her. Does she hate you for everything that you've put her through, for the years of believing that you were dead? Does she even now love you… even now wait for you… You, who can only wait, wonder whether she does the same.

Irfan has arranged everything, with minimal comments and a wry smile. He refuses to accept thanks for any of the tasks he carries out, reminding you that he's living vicariously through you.

"Tell the old Generals exactly where they can stick their rules and regulations," he had counseled, patting your back before he left, "Be alive for at least a day."

You sit in an apartment in old Delhi, belonging to god knows who, waiting for the moment that she will arrive. You know that when her plane touches down she will be greeted by a man she does not know, changing vehicles twice before she arrives here at this apartment, walking through that door and back into your life. Your life…

Your heart beats, your pulse quickens, you breath becomes slightly shallow and as the blood courses through your veins, for the first time in years you feel truly alive.

Would it be overly dramatic to say that it was for this one moment, this one chance that you stayed alive all these years? You know it is, and yet you can't help but think that that is the absolute truth.

There is a knock on the door and getting up from where you sit on the bed, you cross quickly to open it. For a moment you can only stare at the girl standing in front of you because nothing has changed… and everything has changed.

Wearing a simple salwar kameez, the dupatta over her head as if to hide her face, she stares back at you, unable to speak. The years have hardened her, you see the change in her face, the tightness around her eyes, the set line of her mouth as if she's no longer used to smiling.

It is only when you hear another door about to open in the corridor that you grab her wrist, pulling her inside the room and shutting and bolting the door after her. It is as if this movement has broken her from her trance and she stares down at your grip on her wrist before lifting her own hand to hesitantly reach out and touch your cheek, almost as if to check you are real. Laying her palm against your cheek, you place your spare hand over hers, giving one tight nod to her as if to tell her that she is right, that you are really here with her.

It is all the encouragement that she needs to hug you, wrapping her arms around you, leaning her head on your chest. She doesn't cry, just breathes slowly as if to calm herself, and you hold her to you, for a long time, for hardly any time at all. She grips you so tightly that you can feel her through your clothes, you hold her back just as firmly, afraid that she might otherwise slip out of your grasp, that this may turn out to be a dream.

You are the one who speaks first, breaking the silence that has wound its way between you. "I'm sorry," you tell her, knowing that it is not enough, "For everything… for not being able to tell you, for whatever you've been through as a result…"

For a moment she does not speak until she lifts her head from your chest, stepping back out of your arms but not too far… still within reach. She holds your sleeve with her fingers as if reluctant to let go completely. She just nods, as if she accepts what you've just told her without questioning it. She doesn't argue with you, or tell you that there's nothing to be sorry about and neither does she blame you for anything that happened.

"You must be disappointed in me…" she tells you, smiling a bit sadly, "Your best cadet… your protégée… and what did I end up becoming?" She pauses, tangles the fabric of your sleeve around her fingers almost as if she wishes she could touch you but can't. "I've failed your hopes at every turn, neither did I manage to save you nor myself…"

"No, Naina…" you choke out, suddenly grasping her hand tightly. "If there's been even one of my cadets I've been proud of then it's you… no matter what, no matter how difficult, you never gave up on your principles. You never allowed them to beat you."

She looks up suddenly at these words of yours and in that one moment, that one look in her eyes, you know that she has longed for you in the same way you have longed for her. Even believing that you were dead… even with no hope…

Naina raises her hand, touching your cheek again, except that this is not like the first time, simply to reassure herself, this time there is an intention behind the action, a purpose.

"Rajveer…" she whispers, and her use of your name startles you. Is this what you came here for today? You have longed for her, hungered for her, and yet can you do this to her, condemn her to the type of half life you lead?

You can offer her nothing, nothing except sorrow and pain.

"Naina," you tell her in a hoarse whisper, stepping back from her slightly, "Don't ask this of me… I can't ruin your life this way."

And she laughs.


	19. Chapter 19 - Pariah

**Chapter 19**

_Naina_

You find it incredibly funny that he thinks you still have anything left to lose.

Advancing towards him slowly, you stop only when you're close enough to feel his breath on your cheek, his chest shuddering slightly as he breathes in and out as if it's the greatest effort in the world.

"Do you honestly think there's anything left to ruin?" You ask him, laughing bitterly, "Is this a life at all? My life was ruined the moment my brother was declared a traitor, it was ruined a bit more the day that I thought you died. What was left after you were gone… I ruined that all by myself. There have been days when I've wondered why I bother, days when I've wondered what the point is, days when…" You stop suddenly, looking up at him.

There is understanding in his eyes, as well as the same love that you used to see there, the love that you never used to be able to recognise. But it's not the same anymore, you know that and so does he. Where once there was pure love, innocent selfless love, now it's mixed with sorrow and anger, despair and hunger.

"Go on…" you tell him with a sad smile, perhaps just a bit mocking, although whether of yourself or him or the both of you together, you do not know. You place one hand on his chest just above his heart, reminding yourself that you are both alive. "Ruin my life just a little bit more."

There seems to be a moment of indecision as he tries to decide what to do and then suddenly his gaze clears as if he has seen a path long since hidden. He places his hand over yours, he steps forward, determination now in his eyes.

And as he ever so slowly places his other hand on your shoulder, trailing it down your arm until he holds your hand, as he leans in, his mouth just inches above yours, ready to descend at any moment, you hope that what will happen tonight will be enough to save both your souls.

It has to be.


	20. Chapter 20 - Pariah

**Chapter 20**

_Naina_

As you had lain there with him afterwards he had drawn circles on your back with his fingers, his hands resting lightly there and you had known that he was preparing to leave you.

"Do we have until the morning?" you had whispered to him quietly as if afraid of the answer, and his hand had paused, flat on your skin, pressing you closer.

"We have until morning…" he had confirmed, "And then…"

"It's alright," you had told him, "I understand."

You do… you knew that this would not be a final reunion but only a brief respite from a suffering of years.

It is a dream that you must wake up from and wake up you will but for now you dream with your eyes open, counting the scars on his body and wondering how many new ones there will be before you meet again.

Earlier he had whispered that he loved you, and you had repeated it to him fiercely, holding him to you with all your strength. He is yours and while you cannot keep him with you, you can at least cling to the memory of this night.

"I can't offer you anything, Naina…" he told you quietly, his face turned away, "I can't even offer to take you with me. You realise that, don't you? That unless I can win my freedom, I can never give you any type of a life…the life that you deserve."

You had laughed softly with less bitterness than usual, and propping yourself up on your elbows had looked down into his face.

"Rajveer… the days when I dreamed of a husband and a house with a garden and children and a dog are long since gone… it has been a long time since that was the type of life I wanted, a long time since that was what I dreamed of."

"And what do you dream of now?" he had asked you, his grip on your waist tightening, his eyes darkening.

"It has been a long time since I dreamed at all…" you had admitted, your head dipping down closer to his, "But perhaps now… perhaps now I will begin to."

You will dream of cramped rooms and small beds. You will dream of the moment when you will receive another call and leaving everything will travel halfway across the country simply for a glimpse of his face and the opportunity to spend a few hours together.

You will dream… and you will learn to be content with what you had never dared to hope for in the first place.

You will forget that you ever dreamed of more.


	21. Chapter 21 - Purgatory

**Chapter 21**

_Rajveer_

Back in the compound you try to concentrate on your work but you can't stop thinking of her. Leaving her was one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, and as you had kissed her one final time, sending her out the door when you would've preferred to keep clinging to her… you had to convince yourself that you'd see her again soon or you never would've coped.

You're not sure if you should be feeling happy about what you've done or guilty, you've just damned her to the type of limbo you wish to escape from and you feel like the biggest bastard in the world for doing so. And yet…

You try to stop thinking about her, to stop thinking about…

The way her skin had felt under your lips…

Oh god…

The sharp pain as her nails had dug into your shoulders…

Oh god…

And the way she had kissed you, her lips both soft and demanding at the same time…

Oh…

"Stop looking so guilty," Irfan says, breaking you out of your trance. "And admit that you're the happiest you've been in years."

And he's right, because for the first time in four years… you actually feel as if you're alive.

Alive.

It's a beautiful word.


	22. Chapter 22 - Pariah

**Chapter 22**

_Naina_

It is more than two months before you see him again, two months of waiting, of wondering, of wishing…

You receive signs from him sometimes, notes delivered stealthily and discreet phone calls. Three times in the two months you receive messages and head to PCOs in nearby towns, sometimes traveling more than an hour to get there. Standing there, waiting for the call to arrive, your heart almost beating out of your chest, you think that this must be what it is like to be terribly, hopelessly, pathetically in love.

You almost hate yourself for loving him so much despite everything that has happened, for being willing to wait any number of days simply for the sound of his voice. You hate the weakness in yourself that says that you need him, you who have never needed anybody.

Then the phone rings and the booth owner hands it to you, and hearing his voice on the other end of the line you forget everything, wanting to both cry and laugh, not sure whether to speak or listen. You never speak for long, not more than ten minutes at most. It is simply to reassure both of you that you are in each other's lives, that you will not allow yourselves to be separated again.

Then finally the opportunity comes, you are being sent to another city for a meeting on anti-insurgency and anti-terror tactics, you will have one night's stay overnight on route there and back.

Instinctively, you know that he will know. You know that he will have found out and already planned something.

You don't really give a damn if anybody wonders why you disappear after checking in at the hotel where you're expected to stay, not reappearing until check out time the next morning, you don't give a damn if they talk about you behind your back. It's been a very long time since any of those things mattered to you, and you doubt that they ever will again.

Instead you fall willingly into his arms, clutching him with the force of somebody who has lost and regained, and fears losing all over again.

You had never realised how much you needed him until you found him again and your weakness scares you, because you know that there's no guarantee that he'll be with you forever, that there's no guarantee you will ever be able to have anything approaching a normal life with him.

But why would you want normal when he's there in front of you, his gaze burning you, his hands holding you almost reverently. Why would you want a normal life when you can have him as he is, even more beautiful for his suffering, for his brokenness. You have no regrets and no desires other than to keep meeting him, to be able to speak to him, to touch him.

He tells you about his life after the accident and you feel like weeping for him but you know that your tears won't change anything. You cry anyway, for the time lost, for all the things that they've made him do, for both his lost innocence and yours, for his conscience which he has had to stifle. You cry and for awhile he cries along with you, burying his face into your neck, hugging you to him as if afraid that you'll disappear. You speak to him of your own years, of the struggle to remain true to yourself and your ideals, of the effort to retain some meaning in your life, and he cradles you against him, safe and warm.

You know that you cannot keep him with you, so for now you kiss him desperately, tangling your fingers in his hair. For now you allow yourself to forget for a moment, allow yourself to feel alive, to feel… not happy exactly but at the very least…

Whole.


	23. Chapter 23 - Purgatory

**Chapter 23**

_Rajveer_

You think that they know.

Scrap that, you're damn sure that they know and that for the moment at least they've decided that they will tolerate it. Perhaps they know how close you are to breaking, how close you are to telling them all to go to hell. Perhaps they realise that unlike Irfan, you're not willing to play their games for the rest of your life, living without either hope or love.

You don't really give a damn whether they know or not, just as long as they don't interfere. For the moment you have something to live for, something to hope for and you can ask for nothing more than that… you don't dare to.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Irfan asks you with a hint of worry in his eyes when you come back from your latest meeting with Naina. You have seen her twice now since the initial reunion, each time bittersweet and only a taste of how things could be if you were free. It leaves you craving for more… complete and yet incomplete.

"I don't have any idea what I'm doing," you admit to him, "I just know that I don't want to stop doing it."

"Be careful, my friend," he counsels you, "Don't think they're letting you see her out of any kindness, these people understand perfectly well that you would do anything for her, and soon enough they'll use it against you."

The thought sends chills down your spine, you know that no matter what you can't trust the people you work for, that for them you're a tool, nothing more. Sometimes you wonder whether the only difference between them and Lala is that they are not betraying their country… in the end they are still using you, in the end whether you live or die makes no difference to them.

You're a live chess piece for them, and you honestly wonder how long this can continue for, how long before you snap and you can't take any more of it. If you stay then how long will it be before you are sacrificed like the pawn you are?

As time wears on you find it harder and harder to wait to see her, you constantly search for opportunities to meet her, ways to contact her. You travel hundreds of kilometres only to spend a few hours by her side.

"Raj… how long can this continue for?" she asks, her eyes searching yours, "For how long do we have to live this way?"

You have no answer to give her, because the possibilities are endless. It's possible that one or both of you may die at any time, it's possible that this might continue for years, neither of you able to live fully and neither of you able to let the other one go. You'll continuing torturing yourselves in this way because you have no better option.

Instead of speaking you hold her tighter, knowing that you must leave her soon, knowing that it might be weeks, even months before you can see each other again.

"Don't let me go…" Naina whispers to you, and you kiss the top of her head, your hands clutching her back.

No matter whether you should or not… you have realised that you can never, ever let her go.


	24. Chapter 24 - Pariah

**Chapter 24**

_Naina_

So much had happened since that time, you had almost forgotten about the man who had come to see you in Rajasthan and the decision you were supposed to make about him. You had made your decision long ago and you suppose it would've been better to inform him about it over the phone or in a letter, but in the end when he calls you from Delhi informing you that he's back in the country, you agree to go and meet him.

In a way you feel that he deserves that at least, he was a decent guy and he had been willing to give you a chance despite your past. So you apply for leave and head to Delhi to meet him, figuring that it's only fair after he came all the way to Rajasthan to meet you last time.

You hope that Rajveer hears of it, you hope that he somehow makes it to Delhi as well, if only to see you for a moment, if only to hear that you have refused this man. You're not sure if you should feel guilty about that, that you wish your lover comes to meet you at a time you're planning to refuse the suitor selected by your parents.

However things have progressed to such a stage that guilt is useless by now. Neither will it solve anything, nor will it make you change your mind about what you want. You brush aside the feeling, refusing to acknowledge it, and pack your things instead, including a small box that has been sitting at the bottom of your drawer for more than six months.

You had always intended to give it back, even before you knew.

You meet him in an upmarket restaurant; he smiles warmly when he sees you walk in and for a moment you feel a twinge of guilt again but you suppress it, burying it deep inside you. You smile back cautiously at him and sit down opposite him and it is then that looking you over, he stops smiling, a look of sudden understanding coming on his face instead as he looks at your wrist.

"You've decided to refuse the proposal," he comments, without you having to say anything at all. There is a slight look of disappointment on his face and you feel bad for not informing him beforehand. Perhaps he had begun to dream of a life together, to nurture hopes in his heart.

"I'm sorry…" you tell him, handing him back the box that he once gave you. "I honestly did consider your proposal and if things were different…" If you were not the girl that you are… if you did not love the man that you love… if your life were not one huge tragedy that just never ever seems to end.

"Can I know why?" he asks you. He's not angry, does not even seem to be very upset as he puts the box in his bag, instead he is curious.

"There are many reasons why, reasons I can't explain properly," you reply, fingering the watch on your wrist almost absentmindedly, as it ticks beneath your fingers like a second heartbeat. "My past is complicated… as is my present. I would never be able to love you properly, and you deserve better than that. I can't lie to myself or betray my own feelings by agreeing to marry you. In the end we'd both be miserable…"

"I appreciate your honesty," he tells you, "And that you took the time to tell me in person… if things were different then I would've been proud to be married a woman as strong as you."

As he walks away you don't regret your decision, unlike him you don't think of the possibilities if things had been different. You do not wish for a different life with a different man. No matter what you will not regret any of your choices.

Yet you do regret… that things cannot be different, that you cannot love Rajveer openly, declare to your parents exactly why it is that you have turned down this proposal.

As you exit the restaurant, instinctively you look around and sure enough there he is, leaning against a wall on the other side of the road, half hidden by shadow.

You cross the street, your heart thumping in your chest until you are standing directly in front of him.

"For a moment…" he says, staring down at you, "For a moment, I…" he grabs your hand suddenly and pulls you towards a taxi, giving the man directions after you've both climbed in. For the ride he is silent, but he does not let go of your hand, gripping it so tightly that it begins to hurt. You do not tell him for fear that he will let go, because even if the contact pains you, it is touch at least.

You do not ask him where he is taking you or how he managed to arrange for the place, it does not matter to you whether he has arranged it or whether his friend has, all that matters is that there is a place in which you are going to together.

As soon as he closes the door behind you he kisses you, almost forcefully, fearfully. He kisses you as if he's trying to prove to himself that you are his and that nobody is going to take you from him. You allow him to, kissing him back just as forcefully, asserting your own rights, trying to reassure him. You cannot guess how difficult it has been for him. Even if he knew what your answer would be a part of him still must have wondered… feared…

"I was afraid," he tells you when he finally breaks apart from you, holding your face in his hands, "I knew that you would never say yes and yet I was afraid… I can't lose you, Naina and I'm afraid that one day this will no longer be enough for you… that one day you'll…"

That you'll what? Make the decision to break away from him? Finally choose the life that your parents have always wished for you, a respectable husband and children and oh so much more, everything they and your brother ever would've wanted you to have.

You think about Naveen then, about what he would think about what you're doing. You're carrying on an affair with his best friend, an affair that has no future, no hopes of ending in marriage. You wonder whether Naveen would've slapped you for this before punching Raj, or whether he would've understood, whether he would've supported you…

In the end, you suppose that Naveen would have no right to judge you. You cannot blame him, not when you love him so much, but whatever has happened in your life has happened because he fell in love with the wrong girl, a girl that used him then betrayed him…

It is then that you decide you know the answer, Naveen would've wanted you to be happy, would've wanted you to be with somebody who loved you truly, who would never betray you.

You place your hands to either side of Raj's face, smoothing back his hair, touching him gently. "That day will never come." you promise him, "We can't lose hope, eventually there has to be a way, a way of bringing you back to life."

Raj nods then, and rests his head against your shoulder, pulling you closer. "I will find a way, Naina." he promises you then, "No matter what it takes, I will find a way."

You are not sure whether his promise should give you hope or cause you to fear, because you very well know the risks.

And you would prefer to have him in this half life than lose him once and for all.

/

You wake up the next morning in your hotel room, and for a moment you wonder whether it was all a dream. Did he really come to you or did you imagine it?

When you shower, the signs on your body from the night before convince you of the truth and you can't help but smile at the way he has marked you as his. You think of the conversation that you had had afterwards, of the things that he told you about his work and about the people who control him.

"They won't let me go easily," he had admitted to you as he held you tightly, "Irfan and I do their dirty work, the type of jobs they can't ask anyone to do openly. You don't want to know how many people I've killed…. What I've…" He had gripped you even tighter then, perhaps afraid that you would move away, reject him for what he'd done.

"Whatever you've done, I know you never would've betrayed your principles… I know you wouldn't have agreed to kill anybody who wasn't a risk to India's safety." You had tried to soothe him. You know that he needs to hear this, that he needs to be able to forgive himself, to let go of his guilt.

He had looked away from you then, trying to hide the pain in his eyes and you had turned his face back towards you forcibly. "Listen to me, Raj… you are not responsible for any of the things you did. You did it because they made you, you did it because you needed to survive."

"Naina… I did it because I had to, because there was no other choice, but I can't live my life like this… we can't live our lives like this." He had pressed a kiss to your temple, his face remaining close to yours. "I never wanted you to be involved in this, I tried to keep myself apart from you, never to let you know that I was alive and yet..."

"You sent me the card, to congratulate me on becoming a Captain." you had reminded him, "And at the time I had the strangest feeling that it was you who had sent it but I thought that I was crazy, that I was imagining things. It was only after the attack on Mr Patel that I knew I was right, that you were alive at all."

"When I sent the card, there was a part of me that had hoped that you would know." He had admitted, "Even knowing that I couldn't be with you, I still wanted you to know that I was alive."

You had left him a couple of hours later, forcing yourself to return to your hotel, your steps dragging and unwilling. By now he must have left the city, be returning to his base. You cannot help but wonder where he is… how he is… until you are disturbed by the ringing of the telephone.

"Naina beti?" your mother asks when you pick up and you sigh, knowing why she's calling, feeling a twinge of guilt as you reply to her.

"Yes Ma, how are you? How's Baba?" you ask, praying for something to prevent her asking.

"We're both fine…" she tells you before there's a long silence, "Naina, I think you know why I'm calling. I must admit that I don't have much hope but I wanted to hear it from your mouth at least."

She sounds like she's holding her breath and you wonder whether after all these years she still holds hope for you, expects that someday you might reform, that you might still fulfill all their dreams.

"Ma, I…"

"Just tell me Naina, was your answer yes… or no?"

Her tone is hard, and you know that she's bracing herself for the inevitable, for the answer that she already expects.

"I said no." You voice is quiet as you try to hide the guilt you feel for not being the daughter they wish they'd had. "Ma, I'm…"

"There's no reason to say it, Naina," she tells you tiredly, "If you're not sorry then don't tell me that you are."

You're silent then, wondering if your refusal of this proposal has broken your relationship with them forever, whether one day they will truly give up on you, realise that life is less painful without your constant disappointments…

And then your mother softens, her tone changing. "I didn't mean it like that, Naina, but you know that we worry about you. Won't you ever settle down? What was wrong with him that you said no?"

"Nothing was wrong with him, Ma… it's me that there's something wrong with." You tell her, your voice breaking, because you can never tell her the truth, the real reason why. "I don't want to marry, Ma." You lie to her, ignoring how much the lie hurts you to say it, "I'm happy as I am."

"But are you really happy, Naina?" she asks you searchingly, "Really and truly happy?"

"Yes." You tell her, and for once it rings true, "Yes I am."

Because although you crave for more in life, this is the closest that you've come to happiness in years. The warm feeling that spreads through you at the thought of him, if that's not happiness then what is?

So when your mother has said goodbye, disappointment still obvious in her voice, you dial another number instead, unable to help yourself. You ask for him and when he picks up the phone, you can't help but smile.

"Aalekh, I think I'm finally ready to be happy," you tell him and you can almost hear him smiling on the other end, "I want to be happy." It's the closest you can come to telling him the truth, to admitting what is going on.

"You be happy, Naina." he tells you warmly, "Don't let anybody take it away from you, fight for it."

"I'll do that, Aalekh." You promise him, and you mean it, because a life of unhappiness and regrets is no life at all.

Whatever you have gained in the last six months is a miracle that you had never hoped for.

But despite this, despite all of the odds against you, you are not going to give up on hoping for more.


	25. Chapter 25 - Purgatory

**Chapter 25**

_Rajveer_

You are slowly going crazy, turning possibilities over in your head, wondering about futures that can never be and futures that never should be. You feel like your head is going to split open with the constant worry and pressure, and you have noticed the worried looks that Irfan increasingly gives you.

"Maybe I shouldn't have encouraged you," he says, "At least back when you were moping over her you didn't seem like you were constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

You have to admit that he's right, these days the stakes are so much higher than they were previously. You fear losing her, you fear going back to the numbness of not allowing yourself to feel anything at all.

You do not allow your emotions to affect your work, do not allow yourself to become distracted when you are on missions. It is only during downtime, in the times that you are unable to see her that you allow yourself to think about it, to turn possibilities over in your head searching for some way out, some way for a happy ending.

Irfan is your only support during these times, even if he doesn't say much he watches over you, ready to intervene in the times when you seem about to break down.

It is not entirely unexpected when you are eventually called into your superior's office, and you know that the meeting is not like any other meeting because they have called you alone.

"Good luck," Irfan tells you before you go, "Don't give into their bullying tactics. After all, what can they really do to you?"

There is nothing they can do to you… and if they were to ever try to threaten Naina then it would be the worst mistake they could ever make.

You knock before entering The General's room, standing to attention until he asks you to sit. He looks at you then, and you try to read his expression, whether it's disappointment or anger or simply resignation. You do not speak, waiting for him to do so instead.

"What exactly do you think you're doing, Captain Rajveer?" he finally asks you, his expression kept neutral.

"What exactly is it that you mean, Sir?" You reply equally as carefully, keeping your face blank.

"You know damn well what I mean," he tells you, betraying his anger over the situation. "To satisfy your personal desires you've endangered the security of a top secret project. Do you have any idea what would happen if this program were to become public knowledge, what trouble we would face from our enemies?"

You are silent then, marveling at his attitude, at the way he has so easily disregarded your feelings, disregarded the fact that you might want more out of life than simply to kill for your government.

"Sir… Naina isn't going to tell anybody about the program." you reply, your tone calm even as your emotions churn inwardly. "Secrecy will not be broken by my involvement with her."

"And if somebody else finds out that you're alive?" he asks you sarcastically, "What then? You're meant to be dead for god's sakes, questions will be raised."

"Sir, I…" and suddenly you harden because you're sick of all this, because you want a proper existence again and you don't see what right they have to stop you from getting it. "Sir, I don't want to be a part of this program anymore, I want my life back."

"So you've forgotten everything that we did for you? How we saved you from Lala Gehlot? Saved you from prison and possible execution?"

You bite your tongue against an angry reply, forcing yourself to remain calm. "With all due respect, Sir, I think I've long since paid back whatever debt I owed for that. I've been paying it back for more than four years now. Yes, you saved me from prison or execution… but is this life really any better than imprisonment?"

He stares at you in shock, unable to believe that you would have the courage to say such a thing to him. "Captain Rajveer, do you realise what you're saying?" he asks you, dangerously quiet in tone.

"Of course I do, Sir. I've wanted to say it for almost four years now. Is it fair to keep Irfan and I in this way? Is it fair to make us give up our own lives to serve the country when there is nothing to stop us from regaining our old lives, from being true soldiers again…"

"And if we were to let you go, then who would take your place?" The General asks you, looking angrier than you've ever seen him before.

"With all due respect, Sir, that's not my problem." You tell him, barely able to believe what you're saying. Four years ago you would never have considered speaking like this to a superior officer. But four years is a long time to suffer in silence hiding your bitterness inside, and it has to come out eventually. "I want my life back, Sir. I was proved innocent long ago, there's nothing to stop me going back. You can find new soldiers to volunteer for such an assignment, it's not necessary to fake anybody's death to carry out this work. Let me go, Sir. Let Irfan go too."

He looks at you then, considering you as if for the first time he realises what effect this assignment has had on you. Perhaps he also realises that the time has come when you will no longer put up with this silently, when you might even become dangerous for them.

"You can go for now." he finally tells you, "I will consider your request and let you know."

"And Naina?" you ask him, "You have no further objections?"

"I hope I can trust that you're sensible enough not to expose us… until you receive orders otherwise you may continue to meet her."

It is a compromise, a way of making it seem like they're still in control of you.

When you return and tell Irfan everything that happened he stares at you in disbelief. "Hats off," he says to you, "In all the years I've been with them I've never had the courage to tell the old bastard that much."

"I've had enough," you reply, "I have to do this, for my sake, for Naina's sake, for your sake. They can't keep playing with us as if we're dumb pawns, there simply to be utilised."

A look comes in Irfan's eyes that you have never seen before and suddenly reaching out, he hugs you. "You're the first person in years that has cared about what happened to me," he explains, "Otherwise who is there to give a damn about whether I live or die, whether I stay here or go free?"

And you, Rajveer Singh Shekawat, you have always given a damn about such things. You will never leave a friend behind in battle and you don't intend to leave Irfan behind here either. You both deserve your freedom… and you will not stop until you receive it.


	26. Chapter 26 - Purgatory

**Chapter 26**

_Rajveer_

It is three weeks before The General calls you to his office again, three weeks in which you complete two missions and manage to see Naina once. You have five hours together this time, five precious hours in which you do not know whether to hold her or simply look at her, or talk to her until you have said everything that lies in your heart.

You have this problem whenever you see her, the time is so short that you cannot say and do everything that you wish to. You make priorities, sacrificing the less important actions for the more important ones. You wish there could be a day when you could simply sit with her, holding her hand, and not need to worry about the clock ticking down, about time escaping from you.

The General calls you and Irfan to his office at the same time, and it is the look of resignation on his face that makes you hopeful.

"Both of you no longer wish to continue working for this cause?" he asks.

You nod once, curtly. Irfan snorts in derision.

"When did I ever wish to work for this cause, Sir?" he asks The General.

The General ignores his question and gestures to you both to sit.

"We have considered Captain Rajveer's request to allow the two of you to return to your previous lives," he announces and pauses, leaving you both waiting for his next words. "And we have decided that it is possible to do so, that you have both served your nation well and deserve to be rewarded."

You feel like yelling in triumph, high fiving Irfan, jumping on your chair. But you don't, because you sense that the General is not yet finished.

"But… first we would like you to finish one last job." The General continues, and the look that Irfan gives you says everything that you are currently feeling.

"Well isn't that just the ultimate cliché." he comments, one eyebrow raised, and you also think of every crime movie you've ever seen, about the man that agrees to do one last job before freedom only to…

"It most certainly is not a cliché, Captain Khan." The General responds sternly and a little angrily, perhaps fed up with both of your attitudes. "Just because you're planning to leave this work it doesn't mean that your country's enemies will go away. Before going back to your old life the least you can do is ensure that your fellow citizens are a bit safer."

"What do we have to do, Sir?" you ask him, because by the way that he's talking, it doesn't seem like you have a choice in the matter.

And so he tells you, and as he explains the task, you soon realise that freedom is not quite as close as you had first hoped.

There is a terrorist organisation, one that has been operating for three years now and is responsible for a number of major acts of destruction and death. No matter how many of their operatives are captured or killed, nobody has ever been able to find out who is really behind the organisation, who the person in charge is.

It is yours and Irfan's job to infiltrate the organisation, and to find out who that person is, then capture them or kill them.

"Right, easy then. Sure you don't want to give us something a bit more challenging?" Irfan asks, deadpan.

You clutch the arm of your chair, looking down at your knuckles as they turn white.

"This won't be an easy mission," The General explains, either missing or ignoring Irfan's sarcasm, "It may take months… perhaps even a year or more. But at the end of it you will be free, and India will be safer."

"Do we have a choice, Sir?" you ask him quietly, even as you already know what the answer will be.

"No," he tells you simply, "You would be completing this mission even if we were not offering you your freedom afterwards. Now I suggest that you prepare yourselves because you will be leaving in a week's time."

As you leave the room, you and Irfan share a look.

"It looks like they've decided it's just plain easier to get rid of us." Irfan tells you, "Sorry, Raj, looks like we'll be free only in the next life."

"I think you're forgetting, Irfan. This is the next life." you reply, "And I will be free in this one."

"That's the spirit," he says with a wry grin, "Keep on talking like that and even I might start believing it… but before we leave, I think there's somebody you need to see."

According to The General it might be months… even more than a year before your mission will be finished, before you can return. Now you have to go to Naina and tell her that she will have to be patient, that she will have to wait for you with no news and very little hope, for however long it takes.

You must ask her to make more sacrifices on top of the ones she has already made, must ask her to trust that you will return to her no matter how hopeless the circumstances seem.

Without even telling her these things, you already know what Naina's answer will be.

She will wait and hope as she has waited and hoped throughout all these years but this time… this time there will be a hope that everything might finally be over, that you might both be alive, and happy, and finally able to live a complete life together


	27. Chapter 27 - Pariah

**Chapter 27**

_Naina_

You remain silent while he tells you, clutching his hand tightly, unwilling to let it go. The silence stretches on and on as he looks at you waiting for you to speak.

"And in the end when your mission is over… they will finally set you free?" you ask him, "You will have your life back… your honour back… everything?"

"Everything, everything that we have ever dreamed of." he tells you fervently, cupping your face with his hands. "No more of this half life, and hiding in the shadows. We will have nothing to fear then… I can marry you properly, give you the honour you deserve. Everything that you haven't dared to dream of… the house and children, even the dog, I'll give you everything."

You almost want to laugh at his earnestness, his eagerness to make you happy. You want to laugh with joy because for the first time in a very long time you are beginning to think that you might actually receive these things, that you might be able to construct this life that you have both dreamed of.

"I don't care if we live in a hut by the side of the road," you tell him, "Just come back… come back alive and whole… just come back to me."

He kisses you then, hard and desperate, his hands cupping your face, pressing you closer to him.

"Naina, I will come back to you," he promises fervently, "No matter what, no matter how long it takes, I will come back to you."

You trust him, you believe his words more than anything you have ever believed in your life. If there is a way to come back to you then he will, and you have to trust him to do so. You nod, because the night before he is due to leave you, you cannot tell him how scared you really are, how terrified you are of losing him forever.

"I know you will," you reassure him even as your heart screams its doubt, placing your hands over his, "You will come back to me." You say it as much to convince yourself as you do him, because right now you need to be convinced, you need to believe that the two of you will receive the happy ending you deserve.

He kisses you desperately, frantically, as if his very life depends upon it. You match his pace because you know that it may be more than a year before you see each other again, that in fact it may take even more than that for him to return. He is demanding, stripping you of your clothes quickly, pressing you to him, burying his face into your shoulder.

Afterwards while you hold him close, he whispers into your ear. "Don't sleep tonight, Naina," he tells you, "Stay awake with me… Don't sleep."

You nod your assent and he begins to kiss you again, but more slowly this time, more carefully as if he plans to treasure every moment.

You know that he will kiss you all night, that he will make love to you again and again until the very break of dawn, whispering how much he loves you in your ear, smoothing his hands along your sides and telling you what you mean to him.

You will not sleep, you will not even once close your eyes because you do not know how long it will be until you can finally see him again after this night.

You will wait for years if need be, you will wait for the rest of your life.

You will wait not only because you love him but also because you do not believe that you would ever be capable of loving anybody else or that he would either. Would anybody else in this world understand you the way that he does? Would anybody else love you the way you are; bitter, twisted, disillusioned and yet still not entirely without hope…

You wonder how many times you can kiss him before dawn breaks and he has to leave, you wonder how many times you can tell him how much you love him, tell him everything that you will be unable to say until the time he returns.

You will not sleep this night because you know that there will be many nights to sleep in future, willing the time to pass more quickly while you wait for his return.

Because he will return, he must. He has promised you that he will and he has never broken a single one of the promises that he has made to you.

And you will wait… even if it takes the rest of your life you will wait…

Until he comes back to you.


	28. Chapter 28 - Pariah

**Chapter 28**

_Naina_

You wonder whether when you were younger if a fortune teller had told you how your life would work out, would you have chosen another path? Would you have told your brother not to join the army, would you have chosen not to fall for your Rajveer Sir, would you have run away as far as possible from it all and never ever looked back? If you had known, then would you have ever had the courage to live this life, to survive this much sorrow?

It has been almost three months since you last saw his face, heard his voice, heard anything about him at all. Can it really have been almost three months from the last time that you felt his warmth beneath your hands, touched his hair, kissed his lips?

You have heard nothing so you wait and hope and fear… a fear that grows greater with every day that he is gone.

You refuse to give up hope because you know that he will return to you anyway possible, that nothing will stop him from coming back to you if he is able… but that will take time and time is one thing that you are running out of.

Because it is only a matter of time now before you are discovered, and when you are…

You shudder at the thought, because what will you tell them when they find out, what excuse will you give? You cannot even take his name, cannot tell them the truth in case it places him in danger.

And you, Naina Singh Ahluwalia, magnet for all trouble imaginable, are now trapped in a situation from which there seems to be no solution.

How much longer can you really conceal it? How many months… or weeks… or even days before everybody knows? You have considered the options available to you again and again since the time you found out and none of them really leave you with any choice at all.

You are pregnant.

Not only are you pregnant but you cannot even tell anybody the name of the father of your child… really how many choices do you have?

You will not have an abortion, you refuse to even consider that option… no matter what happens you will love this baby, you already find yourself beginning to love it.

You have considered resigning from the army before they find out, your letter is already prepared, you only have to sign it and write a date.

But then what? You would be pregnant, unmarried, unemployed and still unable to tell anybody the truth. Your parents might disown you, your friends might assume that you're the biggest tramp there ever was. How would you survive through the months until he returns, how would you ensure a good life for your child when the system declares you both to be outcasts, untouchables?

So you wait, praying that he might come back before it's too late and you're finally discovered.

You had both been so careful all this time… knowing that the consequences of you becoming pregnant would be disastrous. It was only on that last night, that last desperate night before you said farewell to him that both of you had been too preoccupied to remember to take all of the usual precautions.

You do not regret it, you refuse to regret it no matter what the consequences are.

You still remember how you felt when you first found out, you had not even realised until you were one and a half months pregnant, believing that your late period was due to the enormous stress you were under. It was only when you were unable to keep your food down and feeling constantly exhausted that you put two and two together, traveling three hours away to another town to buy a pregnancy test so that nobody would find out.

And there it was, a little positive sign telling you that your entire life was about to change whether you were ready for it to or not. Now almost two months after the discovery you still have not been able to find a way out of the hole that you've dug yourself into.

It is when three and a half months have passed that you realise your time is finally up. The army has scheduled random blood tests of personnel as part of an attempt to ensure that the armed forces are drug free. As it is, you're getting so big that you probably wouldn't have been able to hide it for that much longer anyway.

You pray that you won't be selected, that your name won't be called out… of course as usual none of the gods listen. Your life is ruled by Murphy's Law, the worst possible option will always occur.

So when your name is announced as one of the people to be tested you have no choice but to follow the attendants who are there to take you, no choice but to offer your arm to the nurse, clenching your fist to ensure that your hands don't shake as she takes the blood. You know she will notice an abnormality in your hormone levels and she will send the vial for further testing and it will be discovered… sooner or later and now most definitely sooner that you are pregnant.

So you go to your room and shut the door, sit on the bed and look around at the contents of your life so far.

Within a few hours your life is going to once again change and you will lose everything that you have worked so hard for, whatever respect and honour you have earned within the army up until this point. You look at the bags in the cupboard and you look at your belongings and wonder if you should begin to pack but you don't have the energy, you don't have the will.

In the end you are prepared for it when two days later you are called to your superior's office. Waiting outside his door you steel yourself for what is to come, for the humiliation that you are in all likelihood about to face.

When you are called inside you are surprised to see that the Colonel is not alone, there is an older man with him, a General by the emblems on his shoulders. You are confused for a moment because he is not from your base and then suddenly you understand, you know perfectly well why he's here.

He will be from the program that Rajveer worked for. You know that they've been keeping an eye on you and as soon as they found out you were pregnant they must have realised that it was their problem as much as it was yours. For a brief moment you feel hope that they may save you in some way, shield you until Rajveer can return. You look into the general's eyes briefly, seeking some type of reassurance, some type of help.

He looks away.

When the Colonel gestures for you to do so, you sit down in the chair in front of them, silent and waiting. The silence almost chokes you as you wait for the Colonel to say something but you will not give them the satisfaction of speaking first.

"Captain Ahluwalia, while your blood tests were negative for any drugs they did turn up something else, are you aware of what that is?"

You would have to be an idiot not to be, you wonder why he had to phrase it in such a stupid way.

"I am, Sir." You tell him, refusing to elaborate until he says more. Let them do the hard work, let them come out and finally say it.

"Then you are aware, Captain Ahluwalia… that you are… pregnant?" He struggles to say the last word as if embarrassed to do so. You wonder what the hell embarrasses him so much about it, it's your pregnancy after all, not his.

"I am aware of that, Sir." You answer, amazed at how calm you manage to sound when really you're falling apart.

He stares at you as if unable to believe how calmly you're reacting to all this, how little embarrassment you're showing. "I don't think you realise how serious a matter this really is, Captain Ahluwalia." he continues, his tone now agitated, "This could be a major embarrassment to the armed forces, it could call into question the inclusion of women as soldiers. Unless you are planning to marry within a short period of time or present us with a set of extenuating circumstances, action will have to be taken."

You remain silent at this, what can you really say to it? It seems you've always been an embarrassment to somebody or the other but it's the first time you've been accused of shaming every woman in the armed forces. Marriage… is not an option at the moment and your extenuating circumstances… oh there are many of those, none of which can actually be revealed.

Instead you look at the General who is still avoiding your gaze before turning back to the Colonel. "Sir… could I ask you to introduce us, as this matter is rather personal I'd like to know who I'm speaking in front of."

"This is General Joshi. If it is decided that a disciplinary enquiry is necessary then he will be overseeing it."

General Joshi looks at you directly then and you stare back at him piercingly before he looks away, perhaps sensing the accusation in your gaze. You have heard about General Joshi, you know that he was one of Raj's handlers… you know exactly what role he has played in all of this, that it was his decision to send them on one last mission that has denied you your happiness. You also know that before leaving Raj had asked him to ensure that nothing happened to you in his absence, that you were to be left alone by anybody in the army that would wish to do you harm. He had told you this before he left, told you that if time stretched on and there was no word from him that you could ask for this man, receive help from him.

"Then I think Sir… that I would like to speak to General Joshi in private for some time." you tell the Colonel, "If he's going to be the one handling my case then there are some things I would like to discuss with him."

The Colonel looks annoyed, but at one nod from General Joshi he gets up from his seat and exits the room, closing the door behind him.

"So what is it, young lady?" The General asks you, seeming slightly uneasy.

"I would prefer to be addressed by my rank, which is Captain." You tell him, refusing to be put down. "I've earned it after a great deal of effort and hardship and until you decide to take it away from me, I deserve to be given the appropriate respect." He seems taken aback as if he had misjudged how easily you would fall.

"Fine… Captain. What would you like to talk to me about?" he asks, his expression hardening.

"I think you know exactly what it is that I want to talk to you about, Sir. I think that's exactly the reason why you've come here."

"Do you have any idea how serious this is?" General Joshi asks you, "Do you have any idea what the consequences are?" He's angry, agitated, and you suspect a bit nervous too, and you think you know exactly why. He's worried about what you might reveal, because if you say the father's name…

You look at this man, at the anger on his red face, at the beads of sweat that hint at his nervousness, and you wonder if he will help you.

"Just tell me Sir… just tell me once… where is he?" you ask, trying not to sound as desperate as you feel.

The General is silent, his face kept carefully blank but a muscle twitches along his jaw, giving him away.

"Can you at least tell me when he's coming back?" you ask the man, fear creeping into your voice, "Is he ever coming back at all?"

"I do not know what it is that you're talking about Captain Ahluwalia… and I think that there's nothing more for us to discuss." The General says in a tone that tells you he's not going to do a damn thing to save you. "I would advise you to consider your options well because it seems as if a disciplinary hearing will be necessary."

"What options?" you ask him bitterly, "Marry somebody else so that the army can avoid any embarrassment? Make up some story to hide the truth? Or just give up and run away? You made promises to him," you remind the man desperately, "I know that you did. For god's sakes, just tell me if he's alive or dead."

He looks at you almost as if he pities you, almost as if he's about to speak… but then his expression hardens and he presses a button, gesturing to the guard who comes in to escort you outside.

"I'm sorry Captain Ahluwalia but I think you're under some kind of a misunderstanding," he tells you, "Take my advice and start deciding what action you should take in this situation."

"If you think that I'm going to give in easily without a fight then you're wrong, Sir." you practically spit the words out. "You were the one that created this problem for me and I'm not going to just conveniently disappear, I've worked too hard to have it all taken away now."

"Then I would suggest that you start thinking about what you can and cannot say in your own defence." He tells you, tight lipped, and you know that he is reminding you that anything you might say about Raj will endanger him.

You wonder if it affects him to remember all the promises he ever made to a desperate man.

And you hope… that eventually he chokes on both his silence and his guilt.


	29. Chapter 29 - Pariah

**Chapter 29**

_Naina_

It was only a matter of time and you suppose that under the circumstances they prefer not to waste any. The very next day you are given a letter informing you that in a week's time you will face a disciplinary hearing, the outcome of which will determine your future in the army.

You stare down at the letter in your hand, trying to decide whether you want to rip it up, or set fire to it or throw it in your bin. Instead you fold it carefully and put it on your table, placing a weight on top of it so that it does not get lost.

You think of Rajveer then, wherever he may be. You imagine him coming home and finding out how they've treated you, how General Joshi refused to step forward in your hour of need. You know how betrayed he would feel over it, how angry. You feel vaguely justified by this, by the thought that one day he will come back and punish them somehow for their treatment of you. When he comes back… if he…

You stop then and the tears start to fall; you are not ready for this, you cannot handle it. Your initial bravery in front of the General is gone, replaced by a fear of what is going to happen, a fear for your future. If you had felt shunned or like an outcast before, then what will happen once everybody knows the truth? How will they treat you then?

It's not fair… nothing in your whole damn life has been fair and you'd like to know why it's you that always gets the raw end of the deal, you who has to put up with so god damn much all of the time. What sins of a previous life are you paying for that you have to be tortured so much?

Suddenly you know that you cannot do this alone, that you need support or you are going to collapse, going to have a breakdown that you will never recover from.

So you call the only person who you know will understand, the only person who will not ask questions that you can't answer. You try to calm yourself until he comes on the phone, wiping at the tears that threaten to fall.

He hears your sharp intake of breath as he picks up the phone and he knows, as he always knows. "Naina, what's wrong?"

"It's a mess, Aalekh…" You tell him, trying to find the courage to say your next sentence, because it is not easy to tell your best friend that you've screwed up your entire life. "Everything is ruined and I can't even explain anything to you… I can't…" You try not to break down completely, taking deep breaths.

"Just tell me slowly, Naina." he responds, and you know it is an effort for him to stay calm as he listens to your despair. "Tell me as much as you can."

So you take a deep breath and just say it. "I'm pregnant… my superiors have found out and there's a disciplinary hearing scheduled, I'm going to be kicked out of the army and I don't know… I'm just so tired and I don't know what to do."

And because he is Aalekh, he doesn't ask you any questions. He does not ask you who the father is, or when or how. He never will, you know that.

Instead he says the one thing that could possibly make you feel better.

"I'm on my way."

/

His silence after he arrives does not bother you because you know it's not an accusatory silence, but one of thought. He is attempting to find a solution for you, a way out of your problem.

"If you like…" he says slowly, "I'll tell them that it's my child… I'll take responsibility and marry you."

You laugh because you hadn't expected this of him and you really should've.

"And how many more damsels in distress will you save, Aalekh?" you ask him, "How many more children will you claim as your own? And what do you think your girlfriend would say about the fact you've apparently impregnated me in the last few months and are now going to marry me… that too when you've been posted on the other side of the country."

Aalekh is again silent, maybe he knew this would be your reaction, maybe he knew and felt he had to offer anyway.

"Aalekh, I don't need you to save me," you tell him. "And I don't need you to find a solution for me. I just need you to be here with me right now."

He nods and takes your hand and as he looks at you, you know that he wants to ask. That perhaps it's killing him not to know what it is that has happened.

But still he doesn't.

/

You ask Aalekh if he can break the news to your other friends for you because at this stage you just don't have the courage, you don't want to face anybody at all. Pooja is the first to call and you are glad that at the very least she will be doing it for both her and Ali. Ali has the same principles that he has always had, he won't say anything for fear of embarrassing you, and you're at least a bit thankful that he feels that way. Knowing how difficult it will be for you, Aalekh waits while you speak to her.

"Naina, are you okay?" is the first thing that she asks you, "When I first heard… nothing happened to you did it?"

"No Pooja, nothing happened to me," you tell her a little tearfully, touched by her concern and worry. "It was… what happened was…" and you cannot say it even now, cannot tell them who it is that you love, who it is that is the father of your child. The words gather in your throat and you choke them back down, knowing that to do so would place him in danger.

"Pooja, I can't tell you… I just can't." you tell her. "I'm so sorry, but I hope you can understand."

She is silent for a moment and her next words surprise you with their acceptance, with their understanding. "What are you going to call your child?"

"Pooja, I…" you begin in surprise, "You're not…"

"How can I judge you, Naina, when you've suffered so much?" she asks you, "If you were happy for awhile… then that's enough for me. Besides, Qaidi has warned us all not to ask you any questions or we'll be in trouble with him… Now tell me, what are you going to name your child?"

"I hadn't really thought of it," you tell her. "But if it's a boy… if it's a boy then I'll name him after his father."

Aalekh looks at you suddenly, perhaps realising that one way or another he will find out whether he asks or not.

And as you hang up the phone you have a feeling that yes, your child will be a boy and that he will have the name that you wish to give him.

Even if his father never comes to know of it.

/

Yudi and Huda call as well, Yudi offers to marry you, half joking and half seriously and you inform him that Aalekh has already offered and been turned down. You tell Huda not to do so before he can even think of saying it, and all he says in the end is that he'll be there for you if you need him... he stops himself from saying anything else, you suspect he's been warned by Aalekh not to. Shalini and Abhimanyu also call but you ask Aalekh if he can speak to them instead, fearing what they'll ask you, fearing the disappointment and concern that you may hear in their voices when they talk to you.

Aalekh tells you that they're concerned about you, that they've offered you any help that you might need. You tell him you hope that doesn't mean that Abhimanyu has also offered to marry you because that would just about be the last straw.

Aalekh doesn't reply to that, maybe he thinks he'd better not.

"I swear I've never had so many people wanting to marry me as when I got pregnant." you quip, "I should recommend it to all girls wanting to find a husband."

He doesn't look like he finds that very funny, you suppose that it's not.

Aalekh leaves the next day, he'd only been able to receive three days leave to come and be with you and while he's offered to apply for more, you think it's better that he goes back. If he stays with you through this then he'll become caught up in it, people will assume things about his role in this and soon his career will be in as much trouble as yours will.

You don't want him to be dragged down with you, you don't want any of them to be. Let none of them be known as your friends, let none of them have to speak up to defend you when the gossip starts. You want them to be happy and successful and you've begun to wonder if that can be possible for anybody who remains close to you.

Instead you begin preparing yourself to separate from them, at least until this is all sorted out one way or another. You have begun to realise exactly how hopeless the situation you have been placed in is unless by some miracle Raj somehow manages to come back before the disciplinary hearing. Neither can you tell the truth, nor are you willing to lie. You are about to be kicked out of the army, about to have everything taken away from you that you fought so hard to gain.

But really and truly, what else did you ever expect out of life?


	30. Chapter 30 - Pariah

**Chapter 30**

_Naina_

It is only one day before the hearing when you finally manage to see the only person who can give you any information at all, leaving the base secretly to meet in a nearby town. He can't afford to be seen with you openly, not only because it might be assumed that this is his fault but also because your superiors will understand that you have asked him for information and that he has provided you with whatever he has.

Gunny looks at you as you enter the room, perhaps taking in the tiredness of your face, the dark circles under your eyes, the way that your hands are shaking slightly.

"Naina…" he says, and there is such sympathy and understanding in his voice that you almost break under the weight of it. "I'm sorry that I couldn't come earlier, are you alright?"

"I don't think I can do this, Gunny," it all comes out in a long breath, "Nobody is telling me anything, I don't even know whether he's… and I just don't know if I can fight anymore, I don't think I have the will to, I don't think I have the energy to."

He nods, his face once again blank as he considers you carefully, perhaps deciding the best way to tell you whatever it is that he has to say.

"Just please tell me… do you have any news, any indication of where Raj is?" you beg him, "It's the not knowing that's killing me, if I had some hope then I could fight… I could challenge them…"

"Naina, I don't know what to tell you…" he says, and once again you see the pity in his eyes. "Neither Raj nor Irfan were ever expected to return alive from this mission. In the end the Generals decided that they couldn't be controlled anymore and that the best thing to do was…"

"To give them both false hope and get rid of them?" you ask with both horror and a searing anger. "To throw them away once their usefulness was finished?" you spit out the words, wanting to hit out at someone, but you are helpless, there is nothing you can do to release this pain inside you.

"You know how it works, Naina." Gunny is matter of fact, "You know how these people are."

"But we don't know for certain that they're… we don't know, right? They could still come back couldn't they?" You try not to sound as if you're begging him for assurance but in the end you find that there's nothing else you can do.

He is silent for a moment as if deciding what he should be saying and then finally he speaks. "A week ago Irfan was found, he was dropped outside a hospital barely alive. His injuries are extreme and he's not expected to survive… he's currently in a coma."

You choke back a cry, you have never met Irfan and yet you have heard so much about him from Rajveer, spoken with him on the phone more than once. You know what a support he's been, how much he's helped both of you. "And Rajveer?" you ask him, "There hasn't…"

"There has been no news from Raj for almost a month." Gunny informs you solemnly. "All efforts to contact him have gone in vain."

You sit there, your fist clenched, trying to process this somehow as tears threaten to spill out of your eyes. There is still hope, you remind yourself, because until you hear anything there is still a possibility that he'll come back to you alive and finally free.

Until you hear anything…

And you decide then, that if he's not coming back, that if something has happened to him, then you don't want to hear it at all.

/

The disciplinary enquiry is as you had expected it, three old men face you, look down at you from the stage they sit on. They would look down on you no matter what height they were at, you're sure of that. You see General Joshi and you wonder how he can judge you after what he's done to Raj. Now that you've found out the truth from Gunny you find yourself hating the General, hating all of them.

General Joshi knows the truth… but he'll lie through his teeth that he doesn't.

You've already gone through the preliminaries, they've asked you to tell them how this happened and you've refused, they've asked you to tell them what you'll do next and you are silent.

"Honestly, what do you want Captain Ahluwalia? To shame the entire Indian Army?" General Joshi asks you, "Has that been your goal all along?"

And all those years… all those years of honest service when you had struggled against injustice and corruption, all that you've suffered and all the things that you ever accomplished count for nothing. It's all come down to this, that you've shamed everyone.

You realise then that you've had enough, that there's no point in fighting to stay in this system because no matter what you're never going to fit in. You'll always be the outcast, the pariah, no matter how much you prove yourself.

You want to throw the glass of water in front of you in his face because you know that he knows exactly why you're in the situation you're in and that he's part of the reason that you're in it.

But instead you calmly stand up.

"You know as well as I do what I wanted all this time, Sir." You watch him squirm under your gaze. "You also know perfectly well that it's not me that has shamed the Indian Army at all. But if you honestly feel that the army is going to be embarrassed by my actions… then I resign."

"That's definitely the best decision under the circumstances, Captain Ahluwalia." He replies, trying to sound wise.

"Go to hell, you damn hypocrite." Is the answer you give him on your way out.

Nope, won't be rejoining the army anytime soon.

Wouldn't want to anyway.

/

You've been given a day to gather your things and leave the base and you can hear the other soldiers whispering as you walk back to your room; they don't know what the disciplinary enquiry was about but they know you're in trouble. It's only a matter of time, soon enough everybody will know.

You pack your things into one backpack, leaving anything behind that is related to the army. Last of all you pack the congratulations card that he had sent and the photos of your friends that you keep with you, including the only one you have of Raj, standing with all of you in a group. If he never comes back then one day when your child is old enough to understand you will point to him in this photo, you will tell your child that this is their father and they should be proud of him.

When your bag is packed you hand in your gun and identification to the military police near the gate. One of them, a young lieutenant, looks at you with regret, as if they wish you were not going at all.

"I'm sorry Captain Ahluwalia," he tells you quietly as you hand over your gun.

"It's not Captain Ahluwalia anymore." You remind him, reminding yourself of this fact too.

"You know you've always been a role model for some of us." He tells you suddenly, "No matter what it cost you, you always stood up for what was right. I was always in awe of your courage in doing that."

You smile and really you're not sure whether you want to laugh or cry at this moment but you pat the young lieutenant on the shoulder. "Then always try to do the same," you tell him, "Always try to do what's right no matter what the consequences."

It is perhaps the best way that you could've left, with a hope that somebody will carry your values into the future.

Stopping at the nearest town you call Aalekh, who you know has been waiting to hear what happened.

"It's over, Aalekh. I resigned, I'm going home and I'm going to have to tell my parents the truth."

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asks, wanting to provide you with whatever support he can.

"No… I think I need to do this on my own." You tell him, "You tell the others… I should be home by tomorrow."

Then you dial your parents' home number, catching your breath as your mother picks up.

She's happy to hear your voice and asks how you are and why you're calling since it's not your normal day to do so. You have told them nothing about the enquiry, not wanting to worry them until it was all over.

"I'm coming home, Ma." You tell her, "I should be there by tomorrow."

"You've been given some holidays?" she asks with delight and then a bit more seriously, "You're not injured are you?"

"No Ma… not holidays… I've quit the army." The silence stretches for a minute until she replies.

"Naina…" she has no idea what to say, this is what she had wanted and now that it's happened she is stunned. "Whatever you've done, I'm sure that it's for the best. Just come home now as quickly as you can."

"I'll see you soon, Ma. I love you." You tell her, your heart clenching at the thought of what she and your father will say when you tell them the truth.

Before leaving for home you travel to a town two and a half hours away, finding the civilian hospital that Gunny had told you about. You ask for Irfan by the fake name that he has been given while they wait to see whether he will live or die.

Nobody stops you or questions you as you make your way to his room and it makes you think that really they don't expect him to survive. He has lost his usefulness and they can't be bothered to try and guard him from harm. In the end you suppose they would assume that nobody would come to visit him anyway.

After the nurse shows you in, you sit by his bedside looking down at his face, the bruises and cuts obvious against the paleness of his skin. It is strange that it is the first time you are meeting somebody who has played such an important role in your story.

According to Raj, Irfan has watched over you, tracked your progress, helped him in every way and stopped him from going mad.

Now here he lies, pale against the sheets and somewhere between life and death, unable to help anybody let alone himself.

You think about all the questions you would like to ask him, to find out where Raj is and how he is and at the same time you feel slightly guilty. Who is there to ask where and how Irfan is? Who is there to care about whether he lives or dies?

So you just sit there silently, and eventually you reach out and take his hand, squeezing it.

"I don't know if you can hear me," you tell him, "This is Naina… We've never met but I know you know who I am... if things had been different then we would've become friends. You would've been an uncle to my children, we would've all..." You pause then, knowing that your regrets are meaningless and that they won't accomplish anything. "But things aren't different, and it's mostly over for me now… but I want to tell you not to die, try to stay alive because if you die then you let those bastards win."

You pause again and a tear rolls down your cheek because you're very close to… "Don't let them win, Irfan. Wake up and make their lives hell for everything they've done to you… to Raj… to me. Grab your happiness with both hands and don't ever let it go." You release his hand then, pushing your chair back and standing before you truly break down. "Maybe we'll see each other one day, when you're awake and my life isn't quite so screwed up as it is right now… maybe when Rajveer…" you don't finish the sentence, you're not sure that you can, not sure that you have the strength to spin dreams that might never come true. "Just try and be happy," you finally tell him, "At least one of us should be."

Then you leave… grabbing the one backpack that you're taking with you and walking towards the bus station.

After everything that has already happened to you, you now have to go home and tell your parents the whole story without actually explaining anything.

You can barely wait… It's going to be the most fun you've had in your entire life.

Bring it all on because you, Naina Singh Ahluwalia, are destined for trouble.

Should've been your middle name.


	31. Chapter 31 - Aalekh

**Chapter 31**

_Aalekh_

You are the first person that Naina's parents call when she doesn't turn up on schedule. Your phone has been on silent while you are in a meeting and exiting, you see three missed calls from them.

You call them back and when her mother picks up the phone, she sounds distinctly worried. "Aalekh beta, did Naina say that she would be arriving later or that she missed her bus? She hasn't arrived and she's not picking up her phone either…"

"No Aunty, she didn't…" you reply, trying to keep your voice calm even as a chill goes down your spine. "Maybe she decided to take a break on the way… her health isn't too good right now."

Naina's parents don't know about her pregnancy yet and you're certainly not going to be the one to tell them, definitely not over the telephone while they wait for her to arrive.

You hang up the phone, promising them that you'll let them know if she contacts you and that they should call you as soon as they hear from her.

Two days pass and there is no word from Naina, and even as you hope that she's just taking some time out to think, you begin to suspect, to fear…

It is on the third day that a postcard from her arrives at home and as her mother calls you, panicked and crying and asking what on earth has gone wrong, you listen as she reads out the message. "I'm sorry, I love you. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay but I can't do this anymore, forgive me."

The sinking feeling in your stomach turns into a large hole and going to your superior's office, you have to argue for more time off, having only just returned from your earlier leave. When they finally agree you travel to meet Naina's parents, trying to keep up a brave face when you meet them, trying to remain strong for their sake.

Because what you fear is this… that you have all lost Naina forever.

"I think she needs some time," you tell them, "Whatever has happened recently has been difficult for her. She's faced a lot of things in the past four years, and this month has been the last straw. I think Naina didn't want to come back…" you take a deep breath, "Because she didn't want to shame you."

"Shame us?" her father asks, "How? By having quit the army? Why would we worry about that… we were happy that she was finally done with it."

You remain silent, unable to tell them, unable to increase the worries that they must already have about their daughter until Naina's mother takes your hand in hers.

"Aalekh beta, I know there's something you're not telling us. What is it? What was so bad that Naina couldn't come home?"

You realise then that they do have a right to know, and that if not from you, they are likely to hear it from somebody else eventually, it's only a matter of time.

"Aunty, it's possible that Naina didn't come home because she didn't want you to feel ashamed, because… she's pregnant."

There is a silence, so thick that it almost chokes you all. You understand perfectly well why Naina has run away from this, why she felt she couldn't go home. Even you feel that you might crack under this pressure.

Naina's father looks as if he's unable to speak, her mother has her hands to her mouth. For a moment it looks like both of them may begin screaming, that they may break all of the cups and plates in the house, that they wish to turn on each other, on anyone at all. Then they look at each other and it fades, almost as if they've both realised that there's no point in anger, no point now when nothing can be done. In the end, who can any of you blame when you have no idea what the truth is? "But to who?" Naina's mother finally asks in the most defeated tone you've ever heard, "When she turned down all offers of marriage… never told us of anybody… how could she have…?"

"Honestly I don't know, Aunty." you reply, "She never told me, never explained. She said that it wasn't possible for her to."

Her parents sit there in a heavy, stunned silence, there is no angry outburst and no accusations. In the end there is no point, none of you know what the truth is and you might never. Naina is gone… and nobody knows when she will come back.

You leave them the same day, heading back to your base since they have only given you one day's leave. It is the night you arrive back that Huda calls you, having only just heard of Naina's disappearance.

"Now that she's gone, you tell me honestly, Aalekh, do you really not know who the father is?" he asks, "Because if I find that bastard then I'm going to make him wish he'd never messed with her."

"I don't think it was like that, Huda." You tell him thoughtfully, "Because Naina had said…"

"Naina had said what?" he asks you.

"Naina had said that if she had a son, she would name him after his father." You finally reply.

And now it is left for all of you to wonder exactly what that name would be.


	32. Chapter 32 - Aalekh

**Chapter 32**

_Aalekh_

Naina has been missing for almost a month when you receive the phone call, telling you that there is a patient in a hospital not too far from where you are posted that is asking for you. You have never heard his name before, have no idea who he is, but still you go, choosing to visit him on your day off.

Walking into the room you look at Captain Irfan Khan curiously, wondering who he is and why he has called you there. The nurse wakes him from his sleep, informing him that you have arrived and he looks at you with an unclear gaze before he manages to focus. One of his legs is in a cast and both of his arms are wrapped in bandages, his face shows scars and scabs slowly healing and fading and you wonder what on earth happened to him.

You had looked up his record before coming, finding that he has been listed as missing in action for the past seven years, presumed dead. He was found recently in an unconscious state and woke from his coma a week ago.

"Captain Aalekh Sharma?" he finally asks and you nod, taking a seat by his bed.

"How do you know me?" you finally ask him, "We've never met before."

"There are a lot of people I know that I've never met before," he replies with a wry smile, "I was told to ask for you if I couldn't…if I couldn't get in touch with her."

"Her?"

"Captain Naina Singh Ahluwalia," he clarifies, and the mention of her name almost knocks you out. "When I woke up, I asked to speak to her. I was informed that it wasn't possible, that she had quit the army and that they didn't know where she was. I need to find her, and I was told that if anybody knew where she was then it would be you."

Your eyes narrow as you look at him. Is it possible that he's the one? That it is because of him that Naina…

"How do you know Naina?" You ask him, wanting to clear your suspicions, to know the answer to the mystery once and for all.

"I know her well but I've never met her," he replies, surprising you once again. "I need to speak to her, it's very important. I need you to tell me where I can find her."

"I'm sorry but I can't," you keep your tone even, trying to hide your curiousity about who this man is and what he wants with Naina, still suspicious about his role in events. "Naina is gone… nobody knows where she is."

You watch as the expressions on his face change from shock to almost panic. "Gone?" he asks in disbelief, "What happened to her? Did somebody… I was meant to…" He stops abruptly as if realising that he cannot say more.

"Nothing happened to her, Naina left of her own free will." You tell him, feeling an odd need to reassure him, "When we see her again will depend on when she decides to come back. So for now if you have any message to pass on, you can give it to me instead."

Captain Irfan hesitates, and you can see it in his eyes that he is thinking about it, considering telling you whatever it is that he has to say. Then he shakes his head slowly, almost wearily.

"If she's gone, then there's really no point anymore," he finally replies, "Now we all just have to wait, until she comes back or until…"

"Until what?" you ask him, suddenly aware that the answer is incredibly important.

But Captain Irfan is silent, a thoughtful look on his face.

You consider this man, trying to work out what exactly it is that he could have wanted to tell Naina. What could a man who has risen from the dead possibly have to say to her when he has never met her himself?

And it is then, that you start to wonder if you already know what Naina would name her son.


	33. Chapter 33 - Purgatory

**Chapter 33**

_Naina_

You had been halfway home already when you had realised that you couldn't do it, that you couldn't go on any further.

You hadn't intended to run, really you hadn't, but somewhere along the way when the bus stopped you had gotten down to use the bathroom and get refreshments and there was a moment… a moment when you imagined arriving, when you imagined your parents' reactions; the shouting, the accusations and the questions that you could never answer or perhaps the look of disappointment in their eyes that they would try to conceal.

Even if your parents didn't reject you, even if they stood by you against all of the condemnation that society would shower upon you, did you really want to do that to them? Hadn't they suffered enough over the years without facing the shame of an unmarried pregnant daughter as well?

You don't know who you're kidding and who it is that you really did it for, but with your backpack over your shoulder you watched as the bus drove away, your seat empty.

Sitting in a small dhaba you had scrawled a brief message on a postcard. It explained nothing at all while saying everything that you were able to, but you hadn't had the strength to write anything more.

You had posted it before walking to the ticket counter of the bus station. You didn't want to think about how your parents would feel when they received it, or how your friends would react. That was one good thing about running away, that you wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Maybe that was selfish, but to tell the truth you've been dealing with not only the consequences of your own actions but everybody else's as well for as long as you can remember and you're more than a little tired of it.

You didn't really know where you were going, but at that point somewhere as far away as possible seemed like a good idea.

You don't want anybody to track you down or find you, you don't want to hear news about your family or your friends or about the army or about anything at all. You want to forget that Naina Singh Ahluwalia ever existed, you want to forget every single damn thing that life has ever put you through; all of the pain and all of the hurt and all of the betrayal. You want to forget… forget everything, even who you are.

But you know that you can never forget him, you would never wish to either. Whatever happened, whatever the outcome was, you still believe it was worth it, it was all worth it. If Rajveer is alive then he will find you eventually no matter how long it takes, you know that he will, and if he's dead… if he's dead then you don't want to know. You don't ever want to hear those words spoken. He will remain alive to you until somebody tells you otherwise, and you won't damn well give anybody a chance to tell you that he's not.

So you buy one ticket… then when you get off that bus you buy another… then another then another… and before you know it you don't even know where you've ended up, but you think you must be close to the Himalayas, perhaps close to the border as well, and your bus has pulled up in a small town where the air is so fresh and cold that it bites at you and you pull your jacket tighter around you, one hand upon your stomach.

For one week you stay there, doing nothing at all. You go for walks down small roads, sit on hillsides and stare into space at the far off mountains. You pretend you're a tourist and that this is a holiday, one that you plan to return from. Then you overhear the owner of the hotel you're staying at talking about a village 6 hours up the road that's looking for a teacher for their local school and it seems as if the right path has been shown to you, a sign.

You pay a driver to take you and before you know it, you're at the edge of the world, nowhere else to run to and unlikely to be found by anyone that knows you. Surprisingly, the local people do not ask questions, they do not ask where you're from or where your husband is, or what you're doing in the middle of nowhere alone and pregnant. Instead they accept your services gratefully, providing you with a room, food and a small salary, and your life settles into a routine.

You teach at the local school, and there are so few students that you know their names by the end of the first day. By the end of the week you know most of the people in the village, and surrounded by them and their everyday problems and joys you begin to forget who you are and what it is that you're running from.

Then your baby kicks and pressing a hand to your stomach you can't help but think of Rajveer wherever he is… however he is… and you come to the realisation that you can never forget, no matter how hard you try.

It is when you have been staying in the village for almost three months that you receive a reminder of your past, when you almost break your promise not to go back.

Your stomach heavy with your child, you often walk on paths through the hillsides, the cold biting at you, a shawl pulled around your shoulders. You wander there to try and forget, to try to lose yourself in nature, although it never quite works.

Today you hadve wandered further than you ever have before into an unknown area and looking down towards the valley you had spotted an army patrol on the path below yours. Shocked, you had reeled backwards. Spending most of your time around the village you had forgotten that the army would be active here near the border, that you are bound to see soldiers from time to time.

It is then that you recognise a familiar figure; you can tell his posture, his walk, even from this far away. A member of the patrol, Yudi is alert, you can see him on the lookout for any trouble, now a confident soldier where he was once an uncertain young man.

It would be so easy… to call out… to let him know that you're here.

It would be so easy to end this, to return to them, to where you belong.

But do you really belong there? Would you be happy among them once again or would their unspoken questions slowly crush you under their weight?

For one second you raise your hand, open your mouth only to shut it.

You pull your woolen scarf up, hiding your face.

You turn away.


	34. Chapter 34 - Aalekh

**Chapter 34**

_Aalekh_

It is five months since Naina went missing, five months in which you have woken up every day wondering if this is the day she will come back, if this is the day that she will at least call or send some message that she is fine. Every time you are called to the phone you hope against hope that it is her call, only to be disappointed.

In the end you know they are false hopes, because you understand Naina better than most other people. Once she's made a decision she won't go back on it and this decision has been made after so much pain and humiliation that you know it's possible that she may choose to never come back at all.

You try to visit her parents as often as possible, and call them once a week; the rest of her friends do as well. Of all of you Huda is the most frustrated, unable to cope with not knowing what happened, with not knowing who the father of her child was. You tell him that it's none of his damn business and he should start thinking about how to find her instead.

Because even if it's a crazy idea, you have begun to suspect you know who the father is. You will never say the name, never voice your thoughts aloud because it seems something so impossible that you could never hope to be right. Even as you refuse to admit that it could be the truth, you still wonder. If it was him, then where is he now? Why did he not come for her in her hour of need?

It is in the fifth month after Naina's disappearance that you see Captain Irfan again; he calls you up one day and requests to meet you, so you leave the base and travel down to a small restaurant in a nearby town, spotting him where he sits at a table. He looks better than the last time you saw him, the wounds that had been visible on his face healed. Propped next to his chair is a crutch, and you wonder exactly how bad the extent of his injuries really are.

"You look better," you tell him, "How's your recovery going?"

He shrugs, his gaze drifting to the crutch that sits beside him and a look of frustration passes over his face. "It's… going. There's physiotherapy…. They say that within six months I should be able to walk without the crutch but going back to active duty…"

Somehow you know that he doesn't want your sympathy, so instead of trying to reassure him you simply nod. He has asked to see you for a reason and you wait for him to begin speaking, but he doesn't, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

You look at the older man thoughtfully before asking your own question, wondering how to phrase it, "All this time that you were missing… where were you actually?"

Irfan shakes his head regretfully, "You know that I can't tell you that. I've come back to life only with great difficulty, and I'd prefer to be able to stay this way."

You are both silent for awhile, thinking your own thoughts, before eventually he speaks up.

"I found out what happened to Captain Ahluwalia," Irfan's tone is low, bitter. "How when they found out she was pregnant they ordered the enquiry, forced her out of the army."

He's angry, seething with it, and you wonder once again whether you're right, whether he's the one that can provide the missing piece of the puzzle, the one who can give you that final clue.

"How did you find out? They've tried to keep it quiet, avoid anybody finding out... they've even classified the disciplinary hearing."

"I have my contacts," Irfan replies, "Usually they can provide me with all the answers, in fact the only thing that they haven't been able to tell me…"

Is where she is.

"If she'd stayed then I could've helped her," Irfan continues, frustration clear in his voice, "I could've done something… provided her with a safe place to go or even…"

"Claimed that the baby was yours?" you ask him, stifling an urge to laugh as he nods. "You wouldn't be the first… I offered to, Yudi offered to… Huda and Abhimanyu Sir didn't dare say it to her so they gave their offers to me instead. You would be the fifth one to want to claim her baby… Naina was right, she was never so popular as when she got pregnant."

Irfan laughs shortly and then shakes his head at it. "Then why didn't she take anybody up on their offer? She could've had a court marriage with them and then dissolved it once…"

"Once the father returned?" you ask sharply, and he does not reply, unable or unwilling to say. "Naina never liked pretense, she never liked to compromise on her beliefs. She wasn't willing to involve anybody else in this."

"I promised that I'd look after her, promised that I wouldn't let any harm come to her," he shakes his head, raking one hand through his hair, "And yet I've failed in everything, no matter how hard I try I can't find her."

"Who did you promise?" Even as you ask it you doubt that he'll say the name but you at least have to try.

Irfan half laughs, half shakes his head as if to once again tell you that you should know better than to ask, so you try a different tactic.

"You know who the father of Naina's child is, don't you?" You ask him, holding your breath as you wait, hoping that you are somehow right.

He nods once, does not put his answer into words that can be held against him.

"And why hasn't he come yet? Why hasn't he come to look for her himself?"

A look of frustration passes over Irfan's face, of the necessity of speaking in half truths, and making up the rest with silences and lies.

"Don't blame him for that," Irfan finally says, "He doesn't even know, and when he comes back… if he comes back…"

He stops.

You can only think about the shift from when to if because if Irfan himself does not know…

"If he comes back?" you ask, leaning forward, preparing to hang onto every word.

"Then they're going to wish that they'd never messed with her." Irfan replies, his eyes flashing with anger. "Because they had promised him…"

"Promised him what?" You break in as he once again grows silent, frustrated with these breaks, frustrated with not finally being told the truth once and for all. "Promised who what? Can't you just tell me…"

But Irfan laughs, a short hollow laugh that has no joy in it.

"Now, do you really need me to tell you that, Captain Aalekh?" he asks, "Because from where I'm sitting it seems that you know perfectly well who it is that I'm talking about."

He has not told you anything concrete and yet you find that your suspicions have been confirmed, that after years of never doubting just what the truth is, you have begun to hope that maybe…

Along with Irfan, even you are waiting for the day when he comes back… if he comes back.

Because you know that unless he does, Naina might never return at all.

Because you know that at this stage… only he can set things right.

You both sit there in silence again, before a sudden thought occurs to you, bringing a half smile to your face.

"She'll be delivering her baby soon." You comment, and Irfan nods as if he had realised it too, as if perhaps that's the reason why he has come to see you after all this time. You wonder what conditions she will deliver it in, whether she will have support, whether anybody will be by her side to help her? After already suffering so much, will she now have to bring a child up alone?

"What was the real reason that you came to see me today?" You finally ask Irfan, "Neither of us is able to tell the other what they want to know… why did you want to see me?"

"Because I'm suffocating under my own silence," he tells you, "And not a single person understands. I've been gone for 7 years and I can't even tell my own parents where I was, and now I've come back to find the person I had promised I would protect is gone and there is nobody who knows the truth besides me." He looks directly into your face then, his gaze briefly piercing yours. "Yours was the only name I was given, you're the only one I've met that has come close to understanding."

You can't help but feel pity for him then, for his enforced silence, for the helplessness that he feels. Both of you are in the same boat, equally as frustrated, equally as useless to achieve what you want to.

"You're right," you tell him, "I do understand… even if you couldn't say the words, I do understand."

Irfan smiles sadly and stands up, leaning heavily on the table to do so and grabbing his crutch.

"Then it was good to speak to you, Captain Sharma… and all I can hope is that in the future a day will come when I can say what I wish, when both of our friends come back."

He walks off then, leaning heavily on his crutch, his limp evident.

Both of your friends…

But will that day ever come?


	35. Chapter 35 - Purgatory

**Chapter 35**

_Naina_

Your child is born in the winter months as the snow falls.

The village is cut off from the rest of the world and you deliver your son in your own house with the help of the midwife and many of the community's women.

You are both surrounded and alone, and as you hear your son's first cries, you wish that it could've been different. That you could've delivered him with your friends and family by your side, that his father…

The first thing you notice about your son is that he has his father's eyes, the eyes of a man who might never look upon him. You hold him, staring down at his small face, his hands curled into little fists and his eyes closed in sleep. What does the future hold for him? Will he be happy or like his parents…

You refuse to think it, you refuse to believe that your child will ever suffer as you have suffered. No, he will live well and he will live happily, your fate will not be passed on to him.

You have known what his name would be from the very beginning.

You call him Veer for short.

/

Veer grows quickly and he grows well, becoming the darling of the entire village. He is quick to smile, but prefers to stay by your side, clinging to you with small baby fists, crying if you leave his sight.

You wonder whether he instinctively knows, as babies mysteriously seem to, that neither of you have anybody else in this world except for each other.

There are those that you left behind, but you will not return, not now, not unless…

Unless…

And so much time has passed now that you no longer have the strength to even put your wish into words.

You hope that when Veer grows up he will become anything except a soldier. You don't want him to have anything to do with the army, you don't want him to go through what you and Rajveer and Naveen went through. He can be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, a teacher… he can even be a shepherd or a carpenter… you honestly won't mind just as long as he doesn't want to join the army.

Yet somehow, instinctively, you know that joining the army will be the only thing that he will wish to do.

And when they ask his name for admission at the academy, what name shall he give? Ahluwalia, which has shamed the army twice over, or Shekawat, which neither of you can ever hope to properly claim?

Or like you, will your son simply be a 'Singh', his identity hidden from those who refuse to understand?

You will send him to KMA, you decide, even as you keep hoping that he won't wish to go.

You will send him to KMA because you know it's where he belongs, because it was where his father went, his mother went, his uncle went.

And it will serve the bastards right when he becomes best cadet.


End file.
